


A Court of Violet Eyes and Blackest Skies

by awygtsan27



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, ACOTAR
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-05-15 10:10:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 38,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5782117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awygtsan27/pseuds/awygtsan27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four months after the events of ACOTAR, Rhysand finally collects on his deal with Feyre.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Week

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, friends! Just a few notes.
> 
> 1.) My writing is not that great, but I just have to get this fic out of my head.  
> 2). It is definitely multi-chapter, and the first chapter is kind of slow, but it'll pick up.  
> 3.) I am complete and utter Rhysand trash. Just a forewarning.   
> 4.) There's an OC in here named Lori, but she's not that important.

Tamlin paced the length of our room, back and forth, back and forth. The sound of his footsteps falling on the floor made me anxious - four months and I still wasn’t used to my new Fae senses. At least I wasn’t watching him, which might have made me dizzy. I was in our shared closet, packing a bag for my first week at the Night Court. 

We were confused when the first month passed and we had heard nothing from Rhysand, but we decided not to question it. Then the second month passed, then the third, and still nothing. I had started to feel relieved - maybe Rhysand wouldn’t collect on our bargain after all. But, of course, as soon as I dared to hope, he sent us a letter (that I couldn’t read, which he knew very well), summoning me for my week. 

“I still don’t understand,” Tamlin growled. I could hear him perfectly, even from this distance. “Why is he collecting all of a sudden?”

I sighed as I shoved as many pairs of pants and tunics into my bag as possible. If Rhysand bothered to provide me a wardrobe at all, it was probably full of see-through dresses. I may have had to give him one week a month for the rest of my life, but that didn’t mean I had to be practically naked while doing so. 

“If I know Rhysand, it’s to piss you off, as well as confuse us,” I replied. “And it seems to be working on both counts.” 

Tamlin appeared in the doorway of the closet. “You don’t have to go.” 

“I do, Tam.” 

While I wasn’t exactly thrilled about my end of the deal, part of me was excited to see the Night Court, if only to see what kind of home gave birth to a creature like Rhysand. Before we left Under the Mountain, we had almost become friends, or so I thought. I did want to see his home, and to see how he was now that he was free from Amarantha. I also wanted to ask him about his mysterious disappearance the last time we had seen each other.

Honestly, when his letter arrived, I was just relieved that he was alive, because I hadn’t heard a single thing from him or about him since the events of Under the Mountain. Even Tamlin hadn’t heard anything - which was good, because Tamlin still wanted to kill him. 

“What if you have a nightmare there?” he asked.

I sighed again. Nightmares had been plaguing me ever since our return home. Visions of the two Fae I killed to save Tam, of Amarantha and her cruel smile, Clare Beddor hanging from the ceiling, my cold and lonely cell, a hot ceiling caving in on me and Lucien. Most nights, I woke up drenched in sweat, tears falling down my face. Tamlin would hold me close and try to calm me down, which I pretended helped. In all honesty, it made things worse, because all those horrible things I did - I did for him. It was entirely selfish, and I didn’t deserve the happiness and the peace that Tam said I deserved. Guilt was becoming a familiar friend. 

That’s why I hadn’t been able to paint in all these months. Most days I just wandered around the forests of the Spring Court. Sometimes Tam or Lucien would join me, if they weren’t busy. But for the most part, I was alone with my guilt and anxiety. And as much as Tamlin tried to help, he just couldn’t really understand.

“I’ll just have to deal with it,” I said. I finished packing up my bag and tied it tight. I threw it over my shoulder, walked over to Tam, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

He slid an arm around my waist. “I always worry about you.”

“Have I ever given you reason to worry?” 

Tamlin laughed, the tension in his shoulders easing a little. Then, as soon as the moment had come, it was gone. The tension returned and he frowned.

“Feyre, if he so much as lays a finger on you-”

“I know, Tam,” I said with a roll of my eyes. This kept coming up in conversation and honestly, I was sick of it. I had this trust in Rhysand that I could never explain to Tamlin. Rhys saved my life, after all. I trusted him not to touch me or otherwise hurt me. It was yet another thing Tamlin couldn’t understand. 

I took his hand and led him out of the room. We walked down the stairs, side by side, into the foyer where Lucien waited for me. Ever the emissary, Lucien “volunteered” to escort me back and forth between the Spring Court and the Night Court. When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I gave Tam a long kiss goodbye while the other red-haired Fae made a disgusted noise and rolled his eyes. 

“Jealous?” I asked as I turned away from Tamlin. “I’ll give you a goodbye kiss, too.” 

“That will not be necessary,” he said, opening the door and ushering me through. I waved goodbye to Tamlin one last time as we stepped out into the afternoon sun. 

“How are we getting there, by the way?”

“We made a direct opening in the woods,” Lucien explained. “So even though the Night Court is literally on the other side of Prythian, we’ll be there in fifteen minutes, maybe less.” 

“A fifteen minute walk, and I still need an escort?” I asked. When Tamlin told me Lucien was to escort me, I thought it might be because of a long and difficult journey, perhaps even a dangerous one. But a fifteen minute walk? “I’m not a child, you know.” 

“You’re a child compared to us,” he said. Then he smirked at me. “You’re lucky we allow you to sit at the adult table during dinner.” 

I tried to shove Lucien off the path we were walking on, but he didn’t budge. He merely chuckled at me and kept walking. We headed straight for the woods, toward the wall that separated Prythian from my homeland. I was glad I’d asked how we were getting to the Night Court before, because this was the exact opposite direction we should have been going in. But with magical openings, anything was possible. 

It was a hidden entrance that reminded me too much of the opening to Under the Mountain. My heart stopped as Lucien stepped over the threshold. If it was some sort of trap - 

He turned and waited for me to follow. When I hesitated, he rolled his eyes.

“Feyre, it’s fine,” he said. “I already traveled it to make sure it’s safe.” 

“It just looks so much like…” I trailed off. 

“I know,” he said. “But that place is gone forever, and this is perfectly safe. I promise.”

“Says the man who sent me hunting for the Suriel,” I said with a scoff, finally mustering the courage to step into the entrance after him. 

“Hey, you wanted to do that,” he said. “I just provided you the information to do so.” 

The opening was a sort of cave. It was just tall enough for Lucien to stand up straight, and just wide enough for us to walk side by side. I couldn’t see anything in front of me, even with my new Fae sight. It was a good thing Lucien already went through it, or else I would have been much more worried about not being able to see anything. It was cold and damp, but I knew we would be emerging soon enough, so I spared Lucien my complaints. 

“Did Tam tell you not to make any more deals and not to drink the wine?” Lucien asked as we walked. 

“Of course he did.” 

“Are you going to listen this time?” 

“I don’t think the wine will affect me the way it did when I was human,” I said. 

“It won’t. You should be fine.” He paused. “Don’t tell Tam I agreed with you.” 

I laughed. “I might need a few drinks if I have to deal with Rhysand all week.” 

“A few?” 

“More than a few,” I corrected. 

Lucien chuckled as we continued walking. It took us about ten minutes to get through this cave, tunnel, whatever it really was. I didn’t realize the exact moment when we left the cave, though, because we emerged into a darkened forest where I still couldn’t see what was in front of me. I looked up and saw not the cave ceiling, but treetops and stars. 

“It’s the middle of the afternoon,” I said. “Why is it dark? How long were we in that cave?” 

“It’s called the Night Court for a reason,” Lucien replied. “We were only in the cave for ten minutes. It’s just always dark here.”

“But…” I looked up to the sky again. “But it’s so dark. It looks like the middle of the night.”

“Yes, and when it actually turns into night here, it is the blackest sky you will ever see,” he said. “I’m not a fan.” 

“The stars shine brighter here,” I said quietly. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the sky and I immediately tripped over a branch in my path. Lucien laughed at me and didn’t bother to help me up. I stood and dusted off my pants, glaring at him while he continued on. 

I caught up to him and we followed a path until the trees cleared. When we were out of the woods, I got my first glance of Rhysand’s home. Situated between two mountains, it was a sprawling, magnificent palace made of black marble. It blended into the shadows, much like its High Lord did. There was a white stone path that led to a set of black stairs, and those stairs led to the obscenely large front door. The door was a carved piece of art - even from this distance, I could spot wings and stars and mountains, all etched delicately into the stone. And all around, surrounding the house, sprawling across the front lawn, was a thin layer of mist.

It was breathtaking. It was beautiful and horrifying all at once. This was a place of dreams and nightmares. 

I didn’t realize that I had stopped walking. 

“Are you trying to delay the inevitable?” Lucien asked.

“No,” I breathed. “This is just…” I didn’t have the words to describe what I was seeing. 

“Come on, I have things to do,” he said, tugging my arm and pulling me forward. “And the sooner you get in there, the sooner you can leave.” 

I wasn’t thinking about the week ahead of me. I was wishing I could paint, because I would have loved to paint the Night Court. 

Lucien led me to the stairs, then bid me goodbye. He disappeared down the path, into the mist. My heart hammered away in my chest as I slowly took the stairs. I tried to find a knocker on the massive door, but there was none. I knocked my fist against a giant star instead. My knock barely made a sound, but the door started creaking open in response anyway. I stepped back and waited. 

To my surprise, there was a young girl trying to push the door open with all her strength. She grunted as her little arms strained to open it. 

“Cauldron, I didn’t realize it was this _heavy_!” 

When she spoke, I realized it wasn’t a young girl at all - this was a fully grown Fae. She was just extraordinarily short, with a youthful face. I waited for her to push open the door just enough for me to squeeze through, and then I did exactly that. She let the door fall shut behind us and grinned at me.

“You must be Feyre!” she said. “I’m so excited to finally meet you! My name is Lori, I’m your servant while you stay here. Can I take your bag?” She didn’t wait for me to respond. She merely slipped my bag right off my shoulders with an agility I did not expect and put it over her own shoulders. 

“Um, thank you. It’s nice to meet you, too,” I said, staring around the foyer. Everything was black. The floors, the walls, the ceiling, even the furniture. The only color so far came from the paintings that lined the wall. They were beautiful, but I didn’t get a chance to study them before Lori grabbed my hand and started leading me up the marble staircase that lined both sides of the entryway. Halfway up, she got impatient and let go of my hand, bounding up the rest of the stairs on her own. I tried to keep up, but she had a lot more energy than I did, evidently. 

She waited for me at the top, bouncing on her toes a little, still grinning. 

“You’re going to love your room!” she squeaked. “It’s so nice!” 

“Oh,” was the only response I could think of. Still, I tried to smile. 

She took me down a long, dark hallway. I counted doors as we passed so I could remember my way, but it turned out to be unnecessary. My door was the last one on the left - easy enough to remember. She flung open the door and skipped into the room, turning as I entered so that she could see my reaction.

I gasped a little. 

The room was massive, at least three times the size of the little shack my family used to inhabit. Too big for one person. The walls were painted a beautiful dark blue with golden molding. In fact, there were golden accents all over the room - the curtains, a vanity, the bedposts. The bed itself was huge, also too big for one person to sleep in all alone. I went over to the bed to test it out. Everything I touched was silk. I would sleep very well in that bed, as long as I locked my door and didn’t have any nightmares. 

“Well? What do you think?” Lori asked me, still eagerly awaiting my reaction. 

“It’s beautiful,” I said with a smile. I took another look around. There were two doors on the other side of the room, one that led to a private bathroom and another that led to a walk-in closet. “But why is it so big?” 

“Lord Rhysand said nothing but the best for you!” she said. Then she cursed. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you that! Sorry!” 

She dumped the contents of my bag on the bed and started sorting through them, organizing everything into neat piles. 

“Why exactly weren’t you supposed to tell me that?” I asked. She only shrugged in response, clearly not trusting herself to answer properly. I sighed. “Where is he anyway?” 

“Oh, he’s out! But he said he’ll be back in time for dinner,” she said. “And that I should dress you up really nice.” 

I grabbed a pair of pants from the pile she had created and then a tunic to match. I held them up and said, “These should do.” 

Lori frowned at me. “Lord Rhysand said you have to wear a dress.” 

“ _Lord Rhysand_ should be thanking his lucky stars I’m even here right now,” I growled. “I had enough of his dresses Under the Mountain.” 

“But-”

“I’ll tell him you tried,” I said before she could try to convince me. “Trust me, he knows how stubborn I am and he won’t hold it against you.” 

She still frowned at me. “Can I at least do your hair?”

Then it was my turn to frown. I tugged at my braid. “What’s wrong with my hair?”

Lori laughed. “Nothing, I just like doing hair!” 

Then she was back to herself, buzzing happily around the room, putting my things away as I watched from my spot on the bed. When she finished, she sat on the bed with me. 

“Oh, this is really comfy!” she said, bouncing a little. 

“Are you from the Night Court?” I asked her. She seemed a little too… Happy? Energetic? To be from this cold, dark place. 

“Oh, no, I’m from the Summer Court! But I like it here. It’s really pretty!” Her eyes wandered to one of the windows that stared out over the mountains of the Night Court. It was getting darker and darker by the second, but we could still see the outlines of the mountains surrounding us and the stars up above. 

“How did you end up here?”

“Lord Rhysand did me a favor once, so now I am returning that favor,” she explained. She didn’t seem the slightest bit upset by it, either. “It’s nice because I only have to be here when you’re here, so I get to go home to the Summer Court and stay with my family.” 

She scooted behind me and started unbraiding my hair as she told me about her family. She brushed her fingers through my hair and twisted it into some sort of elaborate updo while she talked. She pinned my hair in place, though I had no idea where she even got pins from. That killed a lot of time before dinner, and I was very grateful because I had no idea what I might have done otherwise. Stared at the ceiling, maybe. 

Finally, it was time for dinner, and Lori took me back downstairs and through a maze of corridors before stopping in front of a large set of double doors. As she threw them open, she informed me that this was the informal dining room, where the High Lord usually took his dinners alone or with a small group. There were two other, larger dining rooms for more formal occasions. I just couldn’t believe that his “informal” dining room was bigger and grander than Tamlin’s. 

The table was set for two, but Rhysand was not there yet. Lori pulled out a chair for me and I sat, thanking her. Then she disappeared and I was left alone. I sat at the empty table in silence for ten minutes before other servants started coming in, plates of hot food in tow. They piled food onto my plate and poured wine into my goblet. They took away the place set for Rhys and then disappeared. 

It looked like Rhysand wasn’t having dinner with me after all. 

As soon as I came to that conclusion, Lori came back into the dining room with that exact message. 

“He said he was busy,” Lori said with a shrug when I asked her why he wasn’t coming. 

“Can you sit with me then?”

Lori beamed and sat down right next to me. She didn’t eat, but she chattered away while I did. It was nice to have some company at least, even if it wasn’t the company I expected. I wasn’t exactly upset that Rhys didn’t show up - it just seemed unlike him. 

I took comfort in the fact that the food was amazing. It was even better than the food we had at the Spring Court. Of course, I couldn’t tell Tamlin that, because he would be angry that I enjoyed something at the Night Court better than I enjoyed something of his, and I couldn’t tell Rhys that, because he would be entirely too pleased with himself. 

Not that I would have had an opportunity to tell him, either way. I spent two full days at the Night Court after that, and I hadn’t seen him even once. He kept telling Lori that he would be there for dinner, but when dinnertime rolled around, he was too “busy.” I couldn’t help but wonder why the hell I had to be there when Rhys wasn’t even there. What was the point of this whole thing? 

Lori kept me from going insane. She gave me tours of the house and the grounds, which took up most of our time because it was massive. She also, surprisingly, let me help her with some of the cleaning she was tasked to do. It kept my mind off a lot of things: my nightmares, missing Tamlin, wondering where the hell Rhys was.

I was livid. By the end of the third day, I decided enough was enough. I wasn’t going to stay there for no reason. In all likelihood, Rhys wouldn’t even notice I was missing. I would return the next month, like nothing happened, and he would be none the wiser. 

I waited until it was a reasonable time for me to go to sleep and dismissed Lori for the evening. I knew if she had any inkling of my plans to leave, she would try to stop me. But I couldn’t stand another day there, with nothing to do and no one besides Lori to talk to and no real reason to be there at all. 

I didn’t need to pack anything, since I would be returning eventually, so I simply waited until the house fell silent. I peered out into the hallway to make sure the coast was clear. There were no servants, no other people milling about. I closed my door gently behind me and started my great escape. No one noticed and if they did, no one stopped me. 

In minutes, I was standing in the entryway, looking around for some sign of life. Surely it couldn’t be this easy? But after a few silent moments, nothing happened, and so I continued on. I opened the front door and while it was heavy, I had a much easier time getting it open than Lori did on the day of my arrival. I made sure it closed quietly behind me and took in the fresh air.

There was a cool breeze on my skin. I stretched out my arms and just enjoyed that for a few seconds. Then I made my way quickly down the steps and down the white stone path, into the forest where I knew a cave entrance waited for me. I could sleep in my own bed, sleep with my High Lord in my arms. I hurried over to the opening to the Spring Court. I was so close-

And then there were shadows forming at the mouth of the cave. I groaned. Of course Rhysand would finally make an appearance when I was so close to freedom.

“Feyre, darling, how nice of you to greet me all the way out here upon my return home this evening,” he said softly, a smile playing on his sensuous lips. “Though I do wonder how you knew I would be right here, specifically, and at this exact time. Or is it that you were trying to leave before your week is up?” 

I met his violet eyes and for a moment, I was frozen. It had been so long, I’d forgotten how easily they could ensnare. 

“It’s not like it matters,” I said. “You haven’t been here all week. Why should I have to be here when you’re not?”

“It’s been three days, love. I thought you could handle that much on your own,” he said, strolling over to me. “Besides, I’ve been busy.”

“Yes, busy. That’s what Lori keeps telling me. Tell me, what is keeping you so busy these days? So busy that you can’t collect on our deal for _4 months_ and so busy that even when you do collect, you can’t be bothered to even have dinner with me?”

“I didn’t realize either of those things would upset you so much.” He tried wrapping an arm around my waist, to lead me back inside, but I pushed him off. 

“Don’t touch me,” I growled. 

He raised one perfect eyebrow at me, shrugged, and continued strolling up the stone path. 

I walked after him. “Answer my question.”

“The situation in Prythian is still precarious, even after Amarantha’s fall. There’s a lot of cleanup to take care of, and I am heavily involved with that effort, along with the other High Lords,” he explained.

“Tamlin isn’t involved in any of that.”

“No, he’s not,” Rhys said. 

“Why not?”

“I forgot how many questions you ask,” he said. “The High Lords have decided that Tamlin has done his share of the work simply by killing Amarantha, so he does not need to get involved with anything else if he does not so wish. He is free to spend his time enjoying his court. And you, I suppose.” He paused. “Even if we hadn’t come to such a decision, Tamlin wouldn’t have gotten involved anyway.”

I didn’t miss the bitterness in his voice as he spoke the last part. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. 

“I’ll try to be here for dinner tomorrow,” he said instead of answering the question. “By the way, you shouldn’t come out here unaccompanied. It’s dangerous.”

“I’m not a child-”

“Correct, you are not a child. However, danger doesn’t only occur to children. Danger is very non-discriminatory.” 

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. “What’s so dangerous, hm? Amarantha is dead, so she’s not sending her creatures after us anymore.” 

He let out a single laugh, a little _ha_! “Her creatures did not die with her, Feyre. Now they’re running free, without a master to command them. They are causing quite the stir here in Prythian.” He stopped and looked at me. “I’m surprised your High Lord hasn’t mentioned this, considering how protective he is.”

“You said Tamlin wasn’t involved in any of this.”

“Not involved, no, but very aware,” Rhys said. 

I didn’t respond, wondering why Tamlin would keep this kind of information from me. Rhys wouldn’t lie about something like this. 

We continued up the path in silence, until we reached the front door. Rhysand waved a lazy hand and the doors opened of their own accord. He walked me to the staircase and then gave me a little bow.

“This is where I leave you,” he said. “Goodnight, Feyre.” 

“Will you be here tomor-”

But before I could finish my sentence, he vanished into the shadows. I stood there fuming for a few minutes. How typical of Rhysand, he couldn't even answer a simple question. I cursed him very loudly in the main hall, and then I remembered the tattoo on my palm. I cursed at that, too. Then I returned to my room to go to sleep. 

I did not see Rhysand again that week.


	2. Crime and Punishment

“I’m not going,” I mumbled into my pillow.

Three weeks had come and gone too soon, and it was already time to return to the Night Court. But the thought of going back there filled me with dread, for many reasons. Firstly because there was no point in me being there. Rhys had nothing for me to do, and he wasn’t even there, so I was failing to see the point. Secondly, because Tamlin and I, upon my return to the Spring Court last month, had a long, long conversation about the creatures running wild all over Prythian.

He hadn’t told me about this little problem because he didn’t want me to worry. Of course. I was still trying to cope with everything that had happened Under the Mountain, I was still having nightmares daily. I understood that, and I let it go. But I did start to worry. Even with my new Fae powers, I couldn’t face creatures like that on my own. I needed protection - protection that Tamlin could offer and Rhysand couldn’t, only because Rhys was never _around._

I couldn’t say why Rhys’s absence made me quite so angry.

Beyond those reasons, the night before my week at the Night Court, I had a particularly bad nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep. Exhaustion took ahold of me and I could not bring myself to get out of bed.

Tamlin didn’t seem particularly upset at my refusal to go. In fact, I swore he almost smiled. He affectionately brushed the hair away from my face.

“Okay,” he said. “You don’t have to go. If Rhys makes a big deal out of it, I’ll handle it.”

“He won’t notice,” I said. 

“If we’re lucky,” Tam replied. 

“Tam, I literally only saw him once last month and that was by chance,” I said.

I wasn’t entirely sure Rhys’s appearance at the mouth of that cave was chance. In fact, the more I thought about it, the less likely it seemed. Rhys and I had some sort of connection through our deal, my tattoo - perhaps he could feel my intent to leave, to escape. Maybe that was why he had appeared. 

“Try to get some sleep,” is all Tam said in return. 

I tried to get some sleep. It didn’t stop me from tossing and turning in bed all night, as images of my trials Under the Mountain replayed in my mind over and over again. Falling into a pit of bones, waiting to be crushed by a hot ceiling, red lips smiling cruelly at me, and worse: watching myself die, watching _her_ snap my neck, as if from another’s eyes, while a guttural cry reverberated throughout the chamber, the grief and fury so pure and primal that it shook my bones. I woke in a sweat. 

I reached for Tamlin, but he wasn’t there. Slowly, I sat up and looked around the room.

I was not in my bed where I had fallen asleep.

I was in the Night Court.

When - _how_ \- had I gotten there?

I started to panic, but then I saw shadows forming in the darkest corner of the room. I tried to calm myself to face Rhys. Evidently, I’d been wrong. He noticed pretty quickly that I was not where I was supposed to be. 

“Did you really think,” he started so quietly I had to strain to hear, “that I wouldn’t notice?”

He made his way over to me, in that slow, graceful, _deadly_ way of his. There was nothing but ire in his violet eyes, and it was directed right at me. 

My heart started beating violently in my chest, but I returned his glare as I sat up straighter and crossed my arms over my chest.

“How the hell did you get me here?” I demanded. 

He stopped right in front of the bed.

“You’re a deep sleeper,” he said flatly. It was a lie if I’d ever heard one. He must have used some kind of magic, some kind of glamour on me. He cocked his head slightly as he continued, “I’m surprised your High Lord didn’t wake you with all of his beastly roaring, though. He was almost as angry as I am right now. _Almost._ ”

Each word was laced with barely concealed rage. Rhysand was not the type to explode - not like Tamlin. His was a cool anger, the kind that left you frozen in fear, the kind that you might not notice until it’s too late. His claws wouldn’t shoot out and he wouldn’t roar and break things. No, Rhysand’s anger tended to be far deadlier, from the rumors I’d heard about the High Lord of the Night Court.

He’d been angry at me before, but back then, he needed me alive to defeat Amarantha. This did not escape me. 

I didn’t respond. I was too caught in his fury. He was the predator, and I was the prey, frozen in fear. I tried to calm my breathing, if only to trick him into thinking that I wasn’t afraid of him. But I was, and he probably knew it anyway. He always knew. 

“We had a deal,” he said. 

I finally managed to look away from him. My attention turned to the silk sheets around me. I fretted with the edges of the sheets, anything to keep my eyes off him. But even then, he was so beautiful, even in his fury, that my eyes darted back up and down repeatedly. 

“Stupid deal,” I muttered, trying to keep my eyes down.

“Regardless of what you think of it, we still had a deal.” 

“I just - I didn’t think…”

He cocked one perfect eyebrow at me as I trailed off. 

I then made a series of mumbled noises that were supposed to be an apology. Apologies, in general, weren’t my forte, and I wasn’t exactly remorseful, but… It seemed appropriate, so I tried.

Rhys only stared at me for one long, very uncomfortable minute.

“One time,” he said softly. “I am letting you off easy one time. If you ever try to go back on our deal, _ever again_ -”

“I won’t,” I interrupted, fairly certain that I didn’t want to hear the end of his sentence. 

“I’ll see you at dinner,” he said. Then, in typical Rhys fashion, he vanished into the shadows, leaving me all alone. 

I wished I had something to hit or throw.

I wished I had gotten to say goodbye to Tamlin.

*

Needless to say, I did not see Rhys at dinner. 

I had Lori sit with me as soon as I came to the realization that once again, he wouldn’t deign to show up. Unfortunately for her, I wasn’t pleasant company that evening. My annoyance and frustration shined through every single move I made - every swipe of my fork, every reach for my goblet, every bite of food, every shift in the cushioned chair. She didn’t seem particularly fazed by my mood until about halfway through dinner when she stopped abruptly in the middle of a story about her brother and stared at me. 

“Um, Feyre?” she said uncertainly. 

It took me a moment to understand why she was staring at me. I’d been so lost in thought, I hadn’t noticed that I spilled an entire goblet of wine down the front of my tunic. I cursed and started dabbing at the wine stain with my napkin, but I knew it would be useless. Lori offered to clean it, of course, and get me a new tunic in the meantime, but I waved her off. 

I just wanted to finish my meal and retire to my room and curse at the tattoo in my palm. 

Just as I took my final few bites of dessert, I heard footsteps coming from the marble floors of the main hallway. They weren’t the bustling, heavy footfalls of the servants that passed through the Night Court all throughout the day. These were light, casual, deliberate. It had to be Rhys. I jumped out of my seat and stormed out into the hallway to confront him. 

He sensed me just as he reached the staircase. He paused mid stride, one hand on the black banister, and his shoulders stiffened for a fraction of a second. Then he put his hands in his pockets and turned around to face me with all that feline grace, the shadows gently rolling off of him in waves. He grinned lazily at me and his eyes sparkled as they roamed up and down my body. When he finally spotted the wine stain on my tunic, he chuckled at me, 

“Tell me, are you that clumsy, or are you drunk?” he asked. “I sincerely hope it’s the latter, because I do so miss your dancing.” 

I decided to ignore that. “You said you would be here for dinner.”

“So I did. Something came up.” 

“What sort of something?” I demanded, narrowing my eyes at him. 

“The usual.”

“Rhys,” I said. He raised an eyebrow at me as I took a few steps toward him. We were only inches apart. “You wouldn’t happen to be avoiding me, would you?” 

He laughed softly, but I could have sworn I saw the shadows in his eyes more clearly than ever.

“And why would I be avoiding you, darling?”

“You tell me.”

“I’m a High Lord. I don’t avoid anyone.” He stepped forward and suddenly we were so close that I could feel his warm breath on my skin. He lifted my chin up with a single, slender finger to force me to fully meet his gaze. My skin blazed at his touch, traveling down my neck, my shoulders, my torso, and all the way down. I wanted to move, but I couldn’t. He said quietly, “Could it be that you missed me, Feyre? Is that why you’re so upset?” 

“No-”

“I wonder what a certain High Lord would think, if he knew that you yearn so deeply for my presence here.” 

I was sorely tempted to spit in his face. Rhys must have picked up on that, because before I could respond, he _tsked_ at me and took a few steps back. The fire I felt from his touch melted away and receded with each step he took, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I had to clear my head of that touch.

This was _Rhysand_ , after all. 

He must have sensed my inner-conflict too, because he smirked at me then.

“Go to hell,” I growled at him.

“Been there, done that,” he said with a shrug. “Well, something like it, anyway.”

Another shadow crossed his face and I felt a stab of pity for the beautiful High Fae standing in front of me. Forty-nine years serving Amarantha Under the Mountain must have affected him more than he let on. This reminded me of the more vulnerable side of the High Lord, the one I had only glimpsed a handful of times. I remembered Rhys visiting my cell, tired and lonely, because he had nowhere else to go. I tried to think of how _that_ Rhys related to _this_ Rhys. They were one in the same, yet completely different.

All my anger, my frustration, my annoyance faded. 

“Rhys,” I said softly. “Are you okay?”

He tipped his head back and laughed, long and hard. He held one hand over his chest, as if he couldn’t believe something so ridiculous had just come out of my mouth. 

“Oh, Feyre,” he said finally. “Your human heart is showing.” 

“You’re the one who said I should be glad of my human heart,” I said. 

“Did I? I don’t recall.” He shrugged and turned to walk up the staircase. His hand trailed along the black banister and left shadows in its wake. “I’ll call upon you tomorrow. I have plans for you, Feyre, dear.” 

I did not like the way he said that last part.

“What sort of plans?” I asked as I followed him up the staircase. 

“Ones you most certainly will not enjoy,” he said. A smile played on his sensuous lips. “Consider it a punishment.”

“Punishment for _what_?” I demanded.

We reached the landing of the second floor. He proceeded to his room, only a few doors down from my own, and stopped in front of the door, laying a hand on the doorknob. He grinned at me. 

“Let’s see,” he mused. “Trying to leave early last month, trying not to come at all this month, and annoying me just now. I am going to make your life a living hell, Feyre.”

“It already is,” I grumbled. Before he could respond, I walked away from him as quickly as possibly. I heard his chuckle even over the sound of my bedroom door slamming behind me. 

*

Lori woke me bright and early the next morning with a big smile on her face. I tried to return it, but found I couldn’t in anticipation of whatever Rhys had in store for me. I ate my breakfast by the window in sullen silence, dreading the day to come. Lori chattered away as she flew around the room, putting my clothes out on the bed for me and dusting things that didn’t need to be dusted and straightening things that she had already straightened.

“-and then he jumped off the cliff! Just jumped right off! Thank the Cauldron he has wings, but _still_!” 

She had been telling me a story about her brother. I’d only heard about half of what she said.

“Wow,” I said in response, stabbing at the food in front of me with my fork. I didn’t have much of an appetite, not after the previous night’s dreams, but I still tried to put something in my stomach.

When Lori couldn’t find anything else to do with her hands, she plopped down in the chair next to me.

“Are you almost finished?” she asked. “Lord Rhysand said I’m to bring you to the library as soon as you’re done eating breakfast.” 

My gaze snapped up from my plate. “The library?” I repeated. 

Oh, no. I knew _exactly_ what Rhys had in store for me.

“Yes, he said he’d be waiting-”

There was no way in hell I was going to let Rhysand teach me how to read. That would be disastrous at best and fatal at worst. 

I shook my head. “No, I’m not done eating yet.” 

That is how I ended up taking two hours to finish my breakfast. I cut everything down to the smallest pieces I could and chewed and chewed and chewed until I couldn’t anymore. I took frequent breaks, working through my meal as slowly as humanly possible. Lori bounced nervously beside me, no doubt afraid that she would be punished if she didn’t deliver me to the library soon. I didn’t think Rhys would be that heartless. Or I hoped, at least. 

When I finally finished breakfast, Lori grabbed my hand and dragged me over to the bed with surprising strength. She tore off my nightclothes in a blur and started shoving me into my tunic and pants, even as I protested that I could do it myself. She braided my hair in a few swift motions and yanked me out of the room.

She dragged me through every twist and turn of the sprawling Night Court estate. I tried to slow her down, even going so far as to try to dig my heels into the marble floors, but nothing would deter her now. She had orders to get me into the library, and so I would be going to the library. Finally, we made it. I was a little out of breath by that time, but if Lori noticed, she didn’t care. She threw open the doors, gave me a little push inside, and left in a great hurry, closing the massive double doors behind her. 

The library was dark, save for one solitary lamp on a table all the way at the other end. I imagined that’s where Rhysand would be waiting for me. I headed toward the light in the back of the library, passing row after row of shelves, stuffed with books old and new, large and small, all of which I could not read. It was a magnificent library, but it only served to mock me as I slowly made my way over to Rhys.

The High Lord of the Night Court was lounging in an overstuffed chair, with a book in his lap and his feet propped up on the table next to the lamp, the only source of light in the sprawling mass that was his library. He looked up from his book for a fraction of a second, but it was long enough for his violet eyes to catch the light and stir something inside me. I pushed whatever it was deep, deep down.

“Nice of you to join me,” he said with an upturned quirk of his mouth, returning his attention to his book. “It certainly took you long enough.” 

“Let’s get this over with,” I grumbled, pulling out the chair across from him and making to sit. 

He patted the seat of the chair next to him instead. “Over here, love.”

“No.”

“How am I supposed to help you if I can’t see what you’re reading?” he said. “Because you are learning how to read, in case you haven’t gathered that by our surroundings.” He gestured around the library.

I kept a growl from escaping my throat as I grudgingly took the seat next to him. We were too close, but he didn’t seem to mind. He merely leaned over, picked up a book from a pile he had stacked on the table for me, handed it to me, and returned to his own reading. I stared at him for a long moment.   
“Rhys.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “How the hell am I supposed to learn if you don’t teach me?”

“You know your letters. You know your basic words. Start reading aloud. Do what you can and I’ll help you with whatever you have trouble with,” he said simply. 

“How do you know-”

He tapped a slender finger to his temple. 

Right. Rhysand had probably seen everything in my mind by that point. It shouldn’t have been surprising, really, that he knew exactly how much I _didn’t_ know. 

I opened the thin book and started to read aloud. I didn’t get more than three words in before I stumbled. It didn’t get any better from there. I struggled to pronounce even the smallest words, and it was more than an hour before we got through the first two pages. It was a slow, excruciating process. I had no concept of what I was reading, either. I couldn’t hold on to the words for long enough to form them into a proper sentence. 

Every once in awhile, I’d have to blink back tears. I was high fae, lover of the High Lord of the Spring Court and yet - I couldn’t read. I couldn’t read even the simplest of books. Even better, the fact that I couldn’t read had almost killed Lucien and I Under the Mountain, had almost enslaved all of Prythian forever - 

Rhys wasn’t helping matters. He was surprisingly patient, helping me whenever I needed it. And he never once mocked me or made me feel less about my inability to read. But he kept distracting me. Every time I needed his help with a word, he would lean in, his lips pressed against my ear, and whisper the word to me. Then he would sit back in his chair and smirk as I read the word, trying to ignore the heat in my cheeks and the phantom tingling on my ear.

He was trying to make me flustered, and he was enjoying it. 

We went on like that for hours, until one particularly challenging word got me. 

I tried my best to pronounce it without his help. “Q… kw? cue? … U. Cue-e? E…” 

He leaned in. “Queen,” he murmured in my ear. It sent a shiver down my spine.

I slammed the book shut and threw it down on the table. My head was pounding and I couldn’t stand anymore of his whispers.

“I don’t want to do this,” I said. 

“Tough,” he said, his attention back on his book. “You have to.” 

“What are you reading?” I asked. 

“Nothing that would interest you.”

“How do you know?” I tried to take the book out of his hands, but he pulled it just out of my reach with ease. 

“Because I’ve been inside your tiny mind -”

“Don’t you dare insult me or I’m going back to the Spring Court right now-”

“But, Feyre, dear,” he purred, leaning in nice and close to me once more, “what about our deal?”

I remembered exactly how angry he’d been the other day when I tried to avoid my week at the Night Court. I could perfectly envision his violet eyes, so full of fury, and I knew I never wanted to see that look again. I swallowed and tried to put some distance between us, even as something inside me told me not to. 

“What happens if I back out on our deal?” I asked. It probably wasn’t the smartest question to ask in that moment, but I always had trouble keeping my mouth shut around Rhys. 

“By Fae law, I would have every right to kill you.” He said it with a small smile on his face. 

I stared at him for a moment, then said, “You wouldn’t kill me.”

“Oh, no?” 

“You put way too much time and effort into keeping me alive Under the Mountain to just kill me now,” I said with confidence.

“That’s when you were useful against Amarantha. Now? Not so useful. Especially if you can’t read,” he said. 

“If you killed me, Tamlin would kill you in return.” 

“He would try, certainly,” Rhys said with a smirk, as if he liked the thought. “He would not succeed.” 

“Is it exhausting? Thinking so highly of yourself?” 

“No more exhausting than blinking or breathing,” he replied. He handed me the book I had thrown on the table. “Continue.” 

“I don’t want to.”

His eyes flashed. “Don’t be difficult, Feyre.”

“My head hurts,” I whined. I thought maybe if I complained enough, he would let me go for the day. 

No such luck. His violet eyes cleared and he leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. He once more smirked, and I wished I could have smacked that smile off his face without any repercussions -

“I won’t make you read anymore.” He paused and I waited for the catch. “If you make another bargain with me.” 

“ _Absolutely not_ ,” I hissed at him. He merely shrugged in response and waited for me to continue my reading. With one last glare in his direction, I picked up the book and started: “The… Q… Queen…”

We spent the rest of my week meeting in the library every morning and practicing until about midday. I hated to admit it, but I was starting to get better. I didn’t make any significant amount of progress, but there was some improvement, for which I was grateful. And, thankfully, Rhys never brought up the idea of making another deal again. Once our lessons finished for the day, Rhys would disappear and leave me to do whatever it was that I wanted. Usually I would take a walk with Lori or try to explore his mysterious mansion. I never saw him outside of the library though, and I couldn’t tell if I was relieved or worried about it. 

*

When I returned to the Spring Court, Tamlin wrapped me tight in his arms, whispering apologies to me. He had tried to stop Rhys from taking me, but ultimately there was nothing he could have done. I told Tam not to worry about it. Despite my struggle during our reading lessons, my week hadn’t been so terrible. Still, Tam wouldn’t stop apologizing, even as he picked me up and carried me to our bedroom.

“We’ll find a way out of this deal,” he promised me as we made love. But even then, I could feel the ghost of Rhysand’s lips against my ear and I tried to repress a shiver.

“Of course,” I agreed.


	3. The Nightmare, Part 1

It was a week before my return to the Night Court when I had the worst nightmare of my life. 

I dreamt I had beautiful black wings. They unfurled at my sides, grateful to be let loose. I hadn’t been able to spread them in so long. I sighed in relief as a cool breeze kissed and embraced them, sending a tingling sensation down my spine. My eyes found the sky above me - the stars beckoned and I was finally ready to fly again. And my wings knew exactly what to do, without even a thought or command from me. They started fluttering and my feet lifted off the ground. 

Then I heard a noise behind me - the clicking of high heels on a stone floor. I fell to the ground, on my knees, as my heart began to pound in my chest. It thundered in my ears with each footfall behind me. I knew instinctively who it was before I turned. I tried to put my wings away, but she took ahold of them before I could and forced me around to face her.

_Amarantha._

She smiled slowly at me with that cruel mouth of hers. Then she traced a single finger right down my left wing, her sharp nail drawing blood. I hissed at the pain, and she laughed, happy to have gotten such a reaction from me.

“Such lovely wings,” she crooned. 

I didn’t respond. I closed my eyes and focused on staying calm, relaxing my thundering heartbeat. It did not help. 

She leaned in close to me and whispered, “I hope you’re not too attached to them.” She took ahold of my wing fully and ripped it right off, as simply as if she were tearing a single sheet of paper. I sank to my knees, crying out in pain and grief, as hot blood spilled down my back and over my shoulders. She threw my detached wing to the bloody ground next to me and another scream escaped my throat.

_My wings-_

The edges of my vision went black from the pure pain of it.

_My wings-_

Amarantha laughed.

_My wings-_

I awoke from the dream in a panic, with tears streaming down my face. I tried to take a few gasping breaths, but I couldn’t get any air into my lungs, no matter how hard I tried. The darkness closed in around me and all I could see was Amarantha ripping my wings off. I willed my wings out and reached around my shoulder, just to feel them, to make sure they were still there…

When I realized I didn’t have wings. It was not my dream, it was not my nightmare.

It was _Rhysand’s._

I sat up slowly and gained control of my breathing. It was much easier to breathe when I realized it was not my nightmare. I wiped the tears off my face, then looked to the feline eye on my palm. It stared back at me, as unblinking as ever. I felt nothing from it. Tamlin reached for me in his sleep, probably realizing that I had had a nightmare and needed comforting. 

But really, I wasn’t the one who needed to be comforted tonight. 

I slipped out of Tamlin’s reach, out of bed, and went straight to the closet to put on my shoes. 

“Feyre?” Tamlin said groggily from bed.

“Go back to sleep, Tam.”

“Where are you going?”

“Just to the kitchen,” I lied. Tam didn’t need to know where I was going. If he knew, he probably wouldn’t let me. “I’m hungry. Do you want anything?” 

Tamlin shook his head and instantly fell back asleep. I watched him for a few seconds, wondering what the hell I was doing. But then I ran.

I ran straight to the Night Court.


	4. The Nightmare, Part 2

Nobody stopped me from entering the Night Court, even though it wasn’t my time to be there. The entire estate was eerily silent, the mist that hung over it unusually thick. I made my way up the white stone path until I reached the front doors. They were unlocked. I supposed if you were as powerful as Rhysand, there was no real need to lock your door.

I stood in the dark foyer for a minute after the door shut behind me and caught my breath. I was starting to second guess my decision to come, but I was already there…I took a deep breath and headed up the stairs. When I reached Rhysand’s bedroom door, I stood outside for a moment, listening for any sounds from within. But there was nothing, so I knocked softly.

No answer. 

I decided to take a risk and open the door. I slipped in the room, shutting the door behind me and leaning against it. Rhysand was there, perched on the edge of his bed, facing away from me. The hard muscles of his bare back were tense and his face was buried in his hands. He must have known I was there, but he didn’t acknowledge me. Suddenly I had no idea what to say or what to do.

“Rhys,” I said softly.

He slowly brought his hands away from his face and pivoted to look at me, a smirk forming on his lips. 

“You just couldn’t wait to see me, could you, love?” he said. He took me in, his eyes roaming up and down my body unapologetically. I forgot what I’d worn to bed - a thin nightshift that didn’t exactly cover much. Rhys wet his lips a little. “While this is unexpected, I can’t say I’m angry. I haven’t seen you in this state of undress since our nights together Under the Mountain.” 

I felt a dirty sort of thrill at his gaze, but I quickly recovered. That was _certainly_ not why I was there. 

“Don’t remind me,” I said, though I didn’t have the heart to be truly angry with him in that moment. I took a seat on the bed but fortunately, it was large enough that there was plenty of space between us. Still, I was close enough to notice his breathing. It was heavier than usual, but he was trying to keep it under control. I would have been fooled if I hadn’t known better.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. He took me in again. “Not that I mind.” 

“Show me,” I said.

I didn’t think it was possible, but his smirk grew even bigger. 

“You’ll have to be more specific, darling.”

“Your wings,” I said softly. 

The smirk was gone in an instant. He stared at me long and hard. “No.”

“Rhys.”

He continued staring at me and I stared right back, unrelenting. Finally, he sighed in frustration and unfurled his wings. I gasped a little as I took them in. I had only seen them a few times before, and I had forgotten how breathtaking they were. My dreams of them did them no justice. I reached out and gently stroked them. I swore I saw him shudder at the touch. 

“They’re fine,” I whispered as I gently trailed my fingers up and down. “You still have them.” 

“I know,” he said.

“She’s gone. She can’t take them away from you.”

“I know,” he repeated angrily. 

“So relax,” I said. I continued stroking his wings, but I couldn’t tell if it was helping or hurting. 

“I am relaxed, Feyre.” 

“You are not. I had that nightmare, Rhys. I woke up crying and having a panic attack, so don’t sit here and lie to me. Just let me help you.” 

He laughed, but there was no humor in it. It was almost bitter. “I don’t need your help.” 

“Well, too bad,” I said. “I ran all the way here.”

“Did you?” He raised an eyebrow at me. “And how did your High Lord feel about that?”

“Strictly speaking, he doesn’t know yet. Did Amarantha know about the wings?”

Rhys nodded. “She never touched them, but I-”

“You were always afraid she would.”

He nodded again. “Especially once you arrived. She started getting more creative with her tortures, with you to inspire her.” He paused. “She would have done it eventually. She would have gotten bored with me, and she would have loved to hear me scream and bleed like that.” 

“She’s gone,” I repeated. 

“Yes, Amarantha is gone, and yet we still feel her mark,” he said. His violet eyes burned into mine. “You and I, especially.” 

I let my hands drop away from his wings and wringed them together in my lap. I tried to avoid his gaze as I asked, “Do you see my nightmares?” 

“The two fae,” he said quietly. “The ones you killed. Yes, I see them.” 

I didn’t want to talk about them, so I held up my palm with the eye tattoo. “Because of this?” 

“So it would seem.” He looked away from me then. He leaned back against the headboard of his bed and retracted his wings. “I haven’t been able to fly. Not once since I returned home.” 

“I haven’t been able to paint.” 

It was at that moment I realized why I ran to the Night Court. Because Rhys and I, we were two broken, damaged things, both praying desperately to be pieced back together. We both wore scars from Amarantha, scars that would never heal, scars that would never fade. And neither of us had anyone to share that pain with, except each other. 

When Tamlin and I returned to the Spring Court, life for him went back to normal. But my life stopped completely. I couldn’t sleep, or eat, or paint, or even dress myself. Tamlin tried his best. He smothered me with hugs and kisses, with comfort and love, but he never really understood why I was so broken.

Rhys understood. Rhys was going through the same thing I was. And perhaps that was why it had taken him so long to collect on our deal, because he was still dealing with that trauma. And maybe the reason he tried to avoid me when I was at the Night Court was because I reminded him of those last months Under the Mountain and how we had almost lost everything. 

That’s why I ran. Because tonight, Rhys and I needed each other.

“I didn’t know you paint,” he said, tipping his head back and closing his eyes. He finally started to relax. 

I took a moment - a very, very brief moment - to admire his beauty. It was unbearable and unfair that he was so attractive, with his silky black hair, his violet eyes, his amazingly sensuous lips, that porcelain skin… Something inside me begged to move closer to him, but I ignored that tiny voice. 

His eyes remained closed but he smirked. 

“What?” There was a knot in my stomach. 

“I love how ridiculously attracted you are to me.” 

“I am _not_ -”

In one fluid motion, he flipped over onto his side and rested his head on a fist. He grinned at me with his stupid, beautiful lips. 

“This doesn’t have to be a waste of a trip for you,” he said as his eyes roamed over my body for the third time that night. “And you’re already practically naked.” 

I glared at him, then grabbed his blanket and wrapped it around myself. 

“I should have known,” I said, “that I would come all this way to help you, and you would only try to get something out of it.”

“Well, what I have in mind would help _immensely_ -”

“ _Rhysand,_ ” I snapped at him. 

He chuckled softly. “I always forget how flustered you become.”

“I’m not flustered,” I said through gritted teeth. “I am _angry._ ” 

“Are you? Would it make you feel better if I pretended to be afraid then?”

“Bastard.” 

He laughed at me again. “Have you been practicing your reading?” 

“No.”

“Feyre,” he said seriously. “How do you expect to improve if you don’t practice?”

I shrugged. “There’s no one to practice with at home.”

“Your beloved doesn’t want to teach you?”

“He doesn’t know that we started practicing here.” 

“You didn’t tell him?” Rhys seemed surprised.

“He didn’t ask, so…” 

Rhys sat up straight. “You mean to tell me that Tamlin hasn’t asked you what you do with your time here?” 

I shook my head. “No. He’s only concerned about whether or not you’ve touched me. As long as I tell him that no, you haven’t touched me, and that I barely see you anyway, he doesn’t ask.” I sighed a little. It had bothered me at first that Tamlin didn’t seem to care, but I quickly realized that he probably felt better the less he knew about my time away. He didn’t want to think about me all alone in Rhysand’s home, just like I didn’t want to think about him all alone in the Spring Court. “He does spend a lot of time thinking about ways to get me out of this deal.”

I had no idea what compelled me to tell Rhys that. 

“Your High Lord should know better,” he replied. “Unless he’s trying to get on my bad side?”

“Tam just wants me to be safe,” I said with a shrug.

“Do you think you’re not safe with me, Feyre?” The way he asked it, so quietly, so intently, made me pause. I stared into his eyes for a few short seconds, and then I looked away. How easy it was to get trapped in him. 

“I think I’m safe enough,” I said slowly. “Tam is just very protective, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.” I cleared my throat a little and wrapped the blanket more tightly around myself. “I feel like a child sometimes. Not an equal.” 

I didn’t know why I admitted that to Rhys. I half-expected him to laugh at me, to tell me that I was basically a child compared to them, even though I was now High Fae and every bit as immortal as them -

But he didn’t laugh. He didn’t respond. He was silent for so long that I was sure he had fallen asleep. 

“I think,” he said eventually, “that you proved yourself an equal Under the Mountain. You proved that you are perfectly capable of handling yourself. With the exception of that one teensey injury that almost killed you. Luckily, I was there to save the day.”

“My knight in shining armor.” 

We both laughed at that, but quickly fell back into a comfortable silence.

I didn’t even realize as I started to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I loved writing it. It's one of my favorites. :D


	5. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all your comments! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. :D
> 
> Also, I'm so sorry for this chapter if you're a Tamlin fan. (But let's be real, we're all here for FeyRhys anyway.)

I awoke from a dreamless slumber to the sound of roaring. It reverberated through the house, shaking the doors and chandeliers and furniture. 

“ _WHERE IS SHE?_ ”

Tamlin. Oh, God. I had fallen asleep at the Night Court somehow. The room was dark around me and I was still wrapped in Rhysand’s black blankets and - this was not good. 

I stood up as quickly as I could and I heard glass smashing in the foyer below. 

Rhysand’s chuckle followed. “She’s perfectly safe, Tam. She’s sound asleep in my bed as we speak.” 

I could tell just from his voice that he was _enjoying_ this, that bastard. Tamlin roared again and destroyed something else - more glass scattering across the marble floor. 

I ran from the room and down the main stairs. I couldn’t let Tam just destroy Rhysand’s entire house. I only made it halfway down the stairs when Rhysand appeared beside me from the shadows. As always, there was a smirk playing on his lips.

“Feyre, control your beast.” 

“Stop being obnoxious,” I snapped at him. 

Tamlin finally sensed my presence and stopped his raging long enough to look at me, probably to make sure I was safe, unharmed. I surveyed the damage he had done - the entire entryway was destroyed, covered in glass and bits of furniture and even a few of the paintings. I’d have to lament their loss another time. Tam was in his beast form, breathing raggedly and growling at Rhys, even if his eyes were locked on me. I cleared my throat as I took a few more steps down. He immediately shifted back into his usual form. Though he was still angry, he was the High Fae I knew and loved.

“Tam, I’m fine,” I told him. “Let’s just go home. I think you’ve done enough damage to the foyer.” 

“He can’t just take you whenever he wants,” Tamlin growled. “That’s not a part of the deal.”

“Feyre came here of her own accord,” Rhys said. “And who am I to deny her the _pleasure_ of my company?” 

Tamlin’s claws shot out, but he made no move toward Rhysand. 

“Shut up,” I said to Rhys. “You’re not helping.” 

“Is that what I’m supposed to be doing?”

I growled at him. He sighed dramatically and shook his head. “Surrounded on all sides by beasts. Whatever will I do?”

“I will see you next week,” I said through gritted teeth. Even as I glared at him, he took my hand and laid a kiss on it. An electric pulse coursed through me that I was more than happy to ignore. 

“Looking forward to it, love.” Then he vanished into the shadows, leaving Tam and I alone in his shattered foyer. 

I realized how bad it probably looked. I had lied to Tamlin and left the Spring Court in the middle of the night. I was wearing nothing but a short night slip and had woken up in Rhysand’s bed, of all places. It definitely didn’t help that Rhysand’s words to Tam had been very suggestive. As I made my way over to Tam, I cursed Rhys in my head, and I hoped that he felt it. 

When I finally stood in front of Tam, I took a deep breath and said, “I’ll explain when we get home.”

He gave me a curt nod as his claws retracted. He left the house without a single glance backward, neither at me or the damage he had done. I followed. When we got home to the Spring Court, he led me inside, into the dining room. He told me to sit as he closed the doors. As soon as I hit the cushion of my usual chair, he started going off on me. Truthfully, I didn’t understand half of what he said - he was either growling or roaring, though he didn’t transform back into his beast form, thankfully. 

After a while, I stopped paying attention to what he was saying. He kept going on and on and on, and he never once gave me the chance to explain. I sat up straight in my chair with my hands clasped neatly in front of me, my eyes focused on the chandelier above and how beautifully it caught the sunlight streaming in through the window. I couldn’t even pretend to be remorseful, not when he was yelling at me like I was a disobedient child. 

Eventually, Tamlin trailed off and looked at me expectantly. 

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you done?” I asked calmly. 

It occurred to me that I might have been spending too much time with Rhysand. He was starting to rub off on me.

“That depends,” Tamlin said. 

“On?” 

He didn’t reply. 

“Are you going to listen to me now?” I asked, He sat across from me and waited, his eyes never leaving my face. As if he thought I might run back to the Night Court if he let me out of his sight for even a second. But he was still fuming. His shoulders were tense and his fingers twitched on the table. He was clearly trying to keep his claws in. 

“I know you must have been worried,” I started. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep there.”

“What were you even doing there, Feyre?” 

I held up my left palm to show him the tattoo. I did not miss the look of disgust that briefly flashed across his face. I tried not to let that sting as I placed my hand palm-down on the table. Once he couldn’t see it, the disgust faded.

“Rhysand was having a nightmare that I felt,” I explained. I didn’t want to tell Tamlin the fact that I had seen the nightmare, as if through Rhysand’s eyes. I still hadn’t told him that a similar thing had happened Under the Mountain, when I’d briefly died. He didn’t need to know any of that, because it would only make him angry. But I had told him that sometimes Rhys and I could communicate with one another. I had needed to tell him that to explain how I survived Amarantha’s second trial. 

“That doesn’t explain why you were there.”

“He needed my help, Tam.”

“He doesn’t need your help,” Tamlin growled. “He’s a monster. Let him have his nightmares.” 

“If he’s a monster, then I am too,” I said softly. I didn’t say anymore than that. I didn’t continue that Rhys and I were the same, that we understood one another on a level that Tamlin couldn’t comprehend… I didn’t say that I hated it. I hated the fact that Rhys was the one to understand me and not Tamlin. 

“What he did Under the Mountain-”

“He did whatever he had to do to survive,” I snapped. “And so did I. So did everyone else. Rhysand is as much a victim of Amarantha as the rest of us. He’s suffered more than you could ever imagine, Tam, and nobody will recognize that. Everyone still hates him. He’s all alone, and he has no one to help him.”

“That doesn’t mean _you_ have to help him,” he argued. “Do I need to remind you that he took advantage of you? That he manipulated you at every turn?” 

“He _saved_ me. If it weren’t for him, I would be dead right now, and the rest of you would be stuck Under the Mountain forever.”

Tam stared at me for a minute, his jaw clenched. “Well, you can’t just leave in the middle of the night without telling me.” 

“I love you, but last time I checked,” I said calmly as I stood, “I am not your prisoner, Tamlin.”


	6. The Catch

My next week at the Night Court couldn’t come soon enough. Tamlin and I spent most of the week between the nightmare and my next visit either fighting or flat-out ignoring each other. I was itching to get away, just to take a break from it all, even if that break meant reading lessons with Rhys. At least it would be a good distraction. Once more, Tamlin didn’t want me to go, which spurred yet another fight.

He clearly didn’t understand that I had to make certain choices Under the Mountain, and now we had to deal with the consequences of those choices. Of course, I never could have imagined my deal with Rhys would make everything so messy and complicated. 

I forced Lucien up at the crack of dawn to escort me. He was less than thrilled about it - he had a few choice words for me as we left the Spring Court, but he understood why we were leaving much earlier than usual. He had seen my fights with Tamlin, and he knew they weren’t pretty. Fortunately, Lucien refused to get involved. I appreciated that about the red-haired Fae. Still, he was tired and grumpy and only escorted me so far as the end of the magical cave.

Lori came running out to meet me as soon as I turned up the white stone path leading to the Night Court estate. I had no idea how she might have known I was there already - I usually didn’t arrive until much, much later in the day. But I was glad to see her. She gave me a long hug and led me inside to eat breakfast in my room. As I ate, she updated me on her life at the Summer Court and a few things at the Night Court. It was nice to have a distraction.

“-and Lord Rhysand says he’s having a ball next month,” she said. “It’s going to be during your week here, so I’m having you a dress made and I already have your hair planned-”

“A ball?” I repeated. “Why?”

Lori shrugged. “No idea. He says it’s some sort of Night Court tradition.”

“The Night Court seems to have a lot of traditions,” I said, looking down at my tattoo. 

She shrugged again. “I guess. But anyway, I’m so excited! Lord Rhysand said I can join the party after I finish getting you ready, so I have to get a dress made, too! I’m thinking green might be a good color for me -” 

Once I finished breakfast, Lori freshened me up and helped me change into new clothes, even though I protested. Then she led me to the library, as usual. It seemed my reading lessons were far from over. But after the week I’d had, I wasn’t much in the mood for reading. I dragged my feet the whole way and complained of a headache, but Lori had orders, so I was going to the library whether I liked it or not. 

Rhys waited for me in his usual spot at the back of the library, leaning back in his overstuffed chair with his feet propped up on the table. There was a stack of small books that were meant for me - different from the ones we had read last time. He didn’t even look up at me as I entered the dark library and took the seat next to him. 

Just as I picked up a book from the pile on the table, he said, “So how much trouble did you get in?” 

“I’m grounded for the next six months.” 

Rhys laughed out loud. “Well, what did you expect, young lady, sneaking out in the middle of the night like that?” 

I smiled a little. “I have certainly learned my lesson.” 

“That’s a new one for you.” 

“How do you find it in yourself to be so obnoxious this early in the morning?” 

“I’m not nearly as obnoxious as you seem to think I am,” he replied. 

“Whatever.” I paused. “Lori says we’re having a ball next month.” 

Rhys shook his head. “Never trust a Summer Court faerie to keep a secret.” 

“And why is it supposed to be a secret?” I asked, raising my eyebrows a little.

“I had a sneaking suspicion you would object to coming if you knew,” he said. “Not like you have a choice, but I figured I’d save myself the headache.” 

“Well, as long as my dress isn’t see through,” I said. “And as long as it’s not like Amarantha’s parties.” 

“Nothing like that,” he said. “Although I do require one dance with you.” 

“No.”

“A real dance. Not the kind of dancing you did when you were drunk.” 

“Maybe,” I grumbled, looking away from him. A real dance with him didn’t sound _completely_ terrible. 

“Is that the best I’m getting?” He sounded amused. 

When I didn’t reply, he tapped the cover of the book I held in my hands. It seemed our chat was over and our lessons were beginning. I begrudgingly opened the book and started reading out loud. It went exactly as it went the last time - I stumbled over every other word, he patiently corrected my many errors, and my head pounded with the effort. 

We worked at it for an hour before I got too frustrated to continue. I slammed my book shut and threw it on the table.

“Does this ever get any easier?”

“I never realized how impatient you are,” he said. 

“What are you reading?” I asked him.

“Why are you always so interested in what I’m reading?” 

“Maybe I’m trying to get to know you better,” I said.

“Or maybe you’re trying to distract me,” he replied.

I smirked at him. “There are better and easier ways I could distract you.”

He was _definitely_ rubbing off on me. He must have realized it, too, because he laughed - it was a surprised but genuine laugh. It made my stomach do a little flip. Probably because it was hard to make Rhys really laugh. When he finished laughing, he leaned in close to me.

“Oh, Feyre,” he said softly. “I’d like to see you try.”

“I bet you would.” I could have thought of a better response if his breath wasn’t so hot on my cheek. He lingered too close for just a few seconds more before leaning back in his chair. 

“I’ll let you take a break,” he said.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Why do I feel as though there’s a catch?”

“Because there is.” 

“I’m not making another deal with you,” I said immediately.

Rhys stood and offered me his hand. “I didn’t say anything about another deal.” 

“I know how you operate,” I replied.

“Do you?” He quirked an eyebrow at me.

Curiosity won. I ignored his outstretched hand and stood up on my own. He led me out of the dark library into the labyrinth of corridors that made up his estate. I tried to figure out how he kept track of the twists and turns. Every hallway looked exactly the same - the same black marble floors, dark walls, the star-covered ceilings. I would have gotten lost in the Night Court many times if not for Lori, but for Rhys, it was nothing. 

He stopped suddenly in front of a set of double doors. He gave me a look I couldn’t read before throwing the doors open and stepping aside so I could look in. Taking a few steps forward, I gasped a little at what I saw. 

It was a painting room, much like the one I had at Tamlin’s estate, but so much bigger. There was an easel, and paints of every color, and brushes and supplies I couldn’t have even imagined. The most striking thing, however, was the wall of glass opposite from the doors. It overlooked the misty mountains of the Night Court, giving me a perfect view of the black sky and the stars. I walked over to stand in front of the windows, just admiring the view. I still couldn’t believe how _bright_ the stars were here.

I wished I could have used the easel and paint waiting for me in the middle of the room. I wished I could have painted the stars. But I just couldn’t. 

Rhys came up behind me and stood at my shoulder. He looked out the window at the view too, but I knew he was waiting for my reaction.

“This is beautiful,” I said. 

“It is.” Then he gently took my hand and led me over to the easel. He sat me down in front of it, keeping a hold on my shoulders so I wouldn’t try and get up. “You’re excused from reading if you paint me something.” 

“I can’t,” I said.

“You can.”

“Rhys, I can’t,” I said, trying not to choke up. “You know I haven’t been able to paint since…”

“Since Under the Mountain,” he said. “Since you killed those two fae. I know, love. You need to paint them.” 

“Paint them? I _killed_ them.” 

“Yes, you did. So you must pain them to remember them. To honor their sacrifice,” he said. 

“Sacrifice?” I repeated. “It was selfish. I killed them to save Tamlin.”

“You killed them to save all of Prythian,” Rhys said. “By saving Tamlin, you freed us all from Amarantha’s grip.”

“But-”

“Feyre, you had to.” He squeezed my shoulders and spoke directly into my ear. “What are two lives compared to all of Prythian? All of this continent?”

“You don’t understand.” 

He let out a humorless laugh. “On the contrary, I think I’m the only one who understands. Do you think I’ve never taken a life as Amarantha’s whore? To gain her trust or make her happy, to make sure I could set up a plan against her?”

“But they didn’t deserve to die,” I said. A few stray tears escaped my eyes. 

“No, and neither did the people I killed. But we did what had to be done, Feyre.” He took a deep breath. “So paint them. Both of them. That way we can all remember them and the sacrifice that they made to save everyone from a terror who called herself Queen.” 

“And then?” I wiped my tears away. 

“And then… Paint me the night sky.” 

I could only nod in response. He gave my shoulders a final squeeze before vanishing into the shadows. 

It took me a very, very long time. But eventually I picked up a brush, and I started to paint. 

*

I spent the rest of my week at the Night Court painting, from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep, with few breaks in between. Since I was painting and we weren’t doing our reading lessons, I only saw Rhys in passing that week. He didn’t seem to mind. I worked diligently until I finished the paintings of the two fae. Though they weren’t the best work I’d done, I had Lori hang them up in the main foyer of the Night Court for everyone to see. 

I finished the painting for Rhys right before Lucien came to escort me home. I realized too late that I used too much violet in the sky, but there was no time to fix it. I left it drying on his bed for him to discover later. 

As we traveled home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much _lighter_ I felt. Somehow by painting those two fae, my burden had been lessened. I wondered how Rhys knew it would help. 

It even made me excited to see Tamlin again. Our fight just seemed silly now. 

He must have thought so too, because as soon as I stepped foot in the house he wrapped me in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Me, too.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” But as I said it, I was wondering how Rhys would react to my paintings.


	7. The Ball

The ball happened to fall on my first day back at the Night Court. I was loathe to go, if only because Tamlin and I had made up and things were going surprisingly well. But as always, I had no other choice. Tamlin and Lucien were unaware of the festivities that were to take place at the Night Court that night, and I decided not to tell them. The less they knew, the better. The last thing I needed was another fight because I’d agreed to dance with Rhys. 

Lori started getting me ready the moment I got to the Night Court. She dragged me into my room, stripped me of my clothes, and literally pushed me into the bathtub. She scrubbed me from head to toe and made me sit there and soak while she filed my nails. Once she finished, she pulled me out of the tub and wrapped a silk robe around me. She sat me down in front of a vanity and started combing through my hair. 

“You know, I could do this myself,” I told her. 

She snorted. “Yes, you could do this yourself. And then you would go to the ball dressed in a tunic and pants with your hair in a lopsided braid.”

“At least I would stand out then,” I said with a grin. 

“Oh, you’ll stand out tonight. Trust me.” 

Then she covered the mirror with a blanket so that I couldn’t see what she was doing for the rest of the time. It normally would have made me nervous, but I trusted Lori to at least make me look decent. She made me sit still for hours as she did up my hair and painted my face. 

I did get a glimpse of my dress before she put it on me. Thankfully, it was modest, but stunning. The material was something like silk, but much lighter. It was black but anytime I moved in it, it shimmered like starlight. It was the perfect gown for a Night Court ball. She gave me simple black ballet flats for my feet, and finished off the look with a small tiara on my head. It was silver and inlaid with small black diamonds.

She uncovered my mirror so that I could see myself. I barely recognized the person in front of me - I looked almost regal between the dress and the tiara. She had lined my eyes lightly with black kohl, my cheeks looked perfectly flushed, and my lips had just the barest tint of red. My hair was curled too, half of it pinned up and the rest of it trailing down my back. I couldn’t help smiling.

“Lori… Thank you,” I said.

She beamed at me. “I do good work, I know.” 

Then it was my turn to help her get ready. She wouldn’t let me touch her hair, but I was allowed to help her into her own dress. She finished getting herself ready much more quickly. She looked beautiful too - her hair and makeup made her childish face look much older. When she was ready. she looped her arm through mine and led me through the estate to the ballroom. 

“It already started,” she said. “About an hour ago, but I thought it would be good to arrive fashionably late.” 

“Why is that?” I asked.

She gave me a mischievous grin as she threw open the doors to the ballroom.

“So you could make a grand entrance, of course.”

As soon as she said it, almost every head in the ballroom turned to me. Heat rose up in my cheeks as I took everything in. There must have been hundreds of people in attendance, High Fae and faeries alike, all dressed in beautiful ballgowns and handsome tunics. There was a band playing on a stage and couples waltzing and twirling all over the dance floor. Each and every hand in the room held a goblet full of wine, and almost every face had a smile on it.

Rhysand, evidently, threw very good parties. 

The ballroom itself was stunning. Like every other room in the Night Court estate, it was much too large. It fit these hundreds of faeries comfortably. The floors were white marble and there were crystal chandeliers everywhere, lighting the entire room. I spotted a refreshment table by the glass doors that led to a balcony outside.

Lori took my arm and led me inside the ballroom, with every eye still on me. I tried to ignore the attention, but it proved difficult, especially when the people I passed started nodding to me, or bowing to me, or just smiling at me. I didn’t know any of them, but they certainly knew who I was. I searched around for the only face that mattered. 

Rhysand sat alone at a long table on a raised dais at the head of the room. His chair was almost like a throne, and he looked perfectly regal sitting on it, sipping at a goblet of wine and watching over his Night Court subjects. When our eyes met, he simply nodded to me, but the corners of his mouth quirked up ever so slightly. 

I turned away, heat rising in my cheeks once more, as we walked over to the refreshment table. I poured a glass of wine for Lori, who thanked me with a kiss on the cheek and then ran off to join a group of Night Court servants already dancing, and then one for myself. I looked around the room again. It was hard to enjoy a party where you only knew two people. 

I resigned myself to joining Rhysand at his lonely table. As I made my way over to him, I noted that the table could have sat at least 10 other people - and yet he was there all alone. It might have been by choice, but somehow I didn’t think so. 

He watched me as I stepped up onto the dais and made to sit on the chair to his left. Before I could sit, though, he caught my arm and stopped me.

“I wouldn’t sit there if I were you,” he said. 

I struggled out of his grasp. “Don’t tell me where to sit.” 

“Suit yourself,” he said, letting me go with a shrug. I sat and sipped my wine.

“Is this chair cursed or something?” 

He smiled a little. “No, Feyre, the chair is not cursed.”

“Then I don’t see the problem.” I paused and settled back. Even if it was cursed, the chair was damn comfy. “Why are you up here all alone?” 

“I figured I’d get drunk before I joined the revelry.” 

“Me too.”

“Great minds think alike,” he said. He clinked his goblet to mine, downed the rest of his drink, and snapped his fingers. A servant came running over to refill his goblet immediately. 

As I sipped at my own drink, my eyes fell over the ballroom in front of us. It was then I noticed that I still had everyone’s attention - but the stares coming my way were different now than they were before. Before they were appreciative - now the looks on the faeries’ faces were ranging from confusion, mortification, and downright glee. To say I was confused was an understatement. 

“Rhys,” I said quietly. “Why are they all staring at me like that?” 

He smirked. “I told you not to sit there.” 

I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. “I don’t see what my chair has to do with all the staring.” 

He put his goblet down and leaned in to me. “In the Night Court, the chair to the left of the High Lord is reserved for the lady of the court. By sitting there, you have declared yourself as such, and you may have just started a scandal the likes of which Prythian hasn’t seen in a couple hundred years.”

The smirk didn’t leave his face for a second. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I hissed at him as I got up as quickly as I could and moved to the chair on his right. 

“I did warn you.”

“You didn’t tell me _that_!” My face was so hot it must have been cherry red. I downed my entire goblet of wine in one quick gulp and buried my face in my hands. 

“You act like being my lady would be so horrible,” he said. 

“It would be, you insufferable bastard!” A servant had come by and refilled my glass, so I took another gigantic gulp. “Oh my goodness, if Tamlin finds out…”

“ _When_ he finds out,” Rhys corrected. “If you think every person in this court isn’t going to be speaking of this tomorrow, you are sadly mistaken.” 

“You have this uncanny ability to make me feel so much worse about everything.”

“I’m a realist, love,” he said. “Perhaps a dance would take your mind off things?” 

“No.” It was less of a word and more of a growl. “I am not dancing with you after that. It’s bad enough as it is.” 

“Maybe later then,” he said. He finished the rest of his drink and joined the crowd on the dance floor. In no time at all, he found a stunningly beautiful High Fae female to dance with. Somehow that made me even more annoyed. 

I tried to keep my mind away from him and that _stupid chair_. I gripped my goblet so hard my knuckles turned white and stared at a chandelier above me. I should have just stayed at the Spring Court - or at the very least, I should have just stayed in my room here instead of coming to this stupid party. I couldn’t believe I made a complete fool of myself within 5 minutes of arriving… 

Maybe 20 minutes later, Lori popped up behind me. “Feyre! Come dance with me! You shouldn’t have to sit here all alone all night!”

“I’m fine,” I said. The last thing I wanted to do was dance. 

“Come on!” she insisted. She grabbed my hand and forced me out of my seat. I often forgot how strong she could be when she wanted to be. She skipped over to the dance floor with me in tow and started dancing. It took me a minute but Lori’s joy was always infectious and I’d already had a couple glasses of wine. We danced to an upbeat number for a while, and when a slower one started playing, she giggled and pulled me in close. We held each other’s hands as we twirled around. 

“So,” she started with a big grin on her face. “You and Lord Rhysand-”

“No, Lori. Just… Just no.” 

“Oh, come on,” she said. “You two are cute together! And he’s so handsome…” She sighed a little. 

“If you think he’s so handsome, why don’t you ask him to dance?” I said, though the thought made me less than happy for some reason.

Lori snorted in response. 

“Did you know about the chair thing?” I asked.

“Not until after you sat down,” she said. “Night Court traditions and Summer Court traditions are very different. If I had known, I might have mentioned it.”

“Might have?”

She grinned at me. “Might have.” 

“You do realize I have Tamlin, right?” 

“Yes, I know,” she sighed. “But-”

“But nothing.” 

The song ended and Lori and I pulled apart. We went back to the refreshment table to get new drinks and she gave me a long glance. 

“I think you should consider your options is all.” 

“Did he put you up to this?” I asked her. I really wouldn’t be surprised if Rhysand had told Lori to mess with me like that. 

“Did I put her up to what?” Rhys asked, suddenly standing at my shoulder. I jumped a little, then glared at him. 

“Who said we were talking about you?”

“It’s a safe assumption,” he said. He reached around me to refill his goblet as Lori giggled at me and skittered away to rejoin her group of friends. “Are you going to answer the question?” 

“No.” 

“Stubborn as always,” he said. “Are you done being embarrassed now? I’d like to dance with you.” 

“Why do you want to dance with me so badly?” I asked.

“If you’re not going to answer my questions, I’m not going to answer yours.”

I glared at him again and walked away. I was going to sit back down, but he gently caught my hand.

“One dance,” he said. “Please.”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Did you just say ‘please?’ ”

“I did.”

“That seems a little desperate for a High Lord,” I said. 

“I was thinking less desperate and more polite, but whatever you say, love,” he said. Just then another slow number started up and he plucked the goblet out of my hand and put it down. He took my hand again and led me onto the dance floor despite my protests. 

He pulled me in close with one hand on my waist and the other in my own hand and started leading us. I huffed but danced with him anyway. I had a feeling he wouldn’t leave me alone all night if I didn’t give him at least one dance. I tried to focus on anything but him, staring at a point just over his shoulder. 

“Your paintings were lovely,” he said in my ear. 

“Thank you,” I said. “And… thank you for making me paint. It helped a lot.”

“I’m glad.”

“Have you been flying?” I asked.

“Not yet,” he said. “Maybe one day soon.” 

I dared a glance at him. For just a second, his violet eyes seemed impossibly sad, but it passed very quickly and once more, he returned to the arrogant High Lord with a cool mask. I wished I knew how I could help him the way he had helped me with the painting, but there was nothing I could think of. There was nothing at all I could do for him. 

The song ended and the band played a jauntier tune, but Rhys didn’t let me go. Instead he gave me a wild grin and spun me around. It made me dizzy, but I couldn’t help laughing. Despite my earlier protests, dancing with Rhys wasn’t so bad - especially with this song. He seemed more carefree like this than I had ever seen him. 

We ended up dancing together for a few more songs, much to my surprise. As much as my mind protested, my body would not let me tear myself away from him. Rhys and I were actually having fun dancing together - and that kept me going, because otherwise I’d be sitting alone and brooding over my mistake and missing Tamlin. This alternative was much better. It was easy to forget all of Rhys’s faults when he took my hand and spun me around the floor. 

Finally, I managed to pull away from him with a little laugh.

“I think I need some air,” I said. Sweat pooled at my temples from all the dancing and the room was suddenly so stifling, with all the faeries around me drunk and dancing. Fresh air sounded like heaven all of a sudden.

“I can arrange that,” he said. He took my hand again and I expected him to lead me toward the balcony doors, but instead shadows wrapped around us.

“Rhys, is this necessary - “ I started. Shadow travel was not my favorite. 

But he just pulled me in closer to him as we disappeared from the ballroom.


	8. A New Deal

We reappeared on the ledge of a mountain overlooking the Night Court estate. I could see the lights from the ballroom below, where the rest of the Night Court was still enjoying the ball. It seemed like the kind of party that would last well into the early hours of the morning. Rhys let me go and walked over to a tree and leaned against it as he looked over his beautiful home. I hugged my arms to my chest and looked up at the night sky. The view from this vantage point was unparalleled. The stars shined down on us and I thought - if I just reached high enough - I could probably touch them. 

A small gust of wind hit my face and I sighed in relief. It felt so good on my skin after all the dancing. I took a moment to just enjoy the view and the silence and the cool breeze. Mist gathered around my feet, but I didn’t mind it. The mist was at home here at the Night Court, even if I wasn’t. 

“It’s beautiful up here,” I said, just to fill the silence.

“It is,” Rhys agreed. He paused a moment before he said, “Why don’t we make a deal?”

“No,” I replied immediately. “I’m not making any more deals with you, Rhys.”

I looked over to him then, just to see him smirking at me. Always smirking, that smug bastard. I wondered why he would even bring this up. He knew how I felt about deals, after everything that happened Under the Mountain-

“Why ever not?”

I frowned. “Deals don’t usually work out in my favor.” 

“If I recall correctly, Feyre, the last deal we made saved your life,” he said as he pushed off the tree and walked over to me with his usual feline grace. “Don’t you even want to know what I have in mind?”

Of course I wanted to know what was in his twisted mind, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. 

I shrugged instead. He stepped even closer to me. We were almost sharing breath and my heart started beating faster. 

“I’ll give you your freedom,” he said. “No more weeks at the Night Court.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “In exchange for what?”

“A kiss.”

“No,” I said right away. 

“One little kiss on the lips, Feyre,” he said. “Surely it doesn’t sound that bad.” 

“No,” I repeated. 

He shrugged and looked away from me, out over the mountain.

“I thought it was a good deal,” he said. “Don’t expect me to offer again.”

“Why offer at all?” Why would Rhysand want to kiss me so badly that he’d offer me my complete freedom? 

“I should have known you would only question me.” He sounded amused, but I was not. 

“Rhys. Answer me.” 

He looked me over for a few seconds, as if debating whether or not he should tell me. Finally, he said, “Do you want the ugly truth or a pretty lie?” 

“Ugly truth.” My entire life up to this point had been an ugly truth. I wasn’t about to start falling for pretty lies. Not after everything I had been through and everything I had done.

He avoided eye contact as he loosed a long breath. He didn’t answer right away, and I was starting to think he wouldn’t reply at all. 

“Rhys-”

“That last night Under the Mountain,” he started, “I felt a bond snap into place. The mating bond.” He finally looked back at me and said quietly, as if he couldn’t quite believe it himself, “You’re my mate, Feyre.”

I could only stare at him for a minute.

“That’s impossible,” I said thickly.

There was no possible way I could be his mate. There had to be another logical explanation for whatever he had felt. 

He didn’t respond to that, so I asked, “Why the kiss then?” 

He raised an eyebrow at me, as if the answer to that was obvious. Then he straightened his shoulders and flicked an imaginary piece of dust from his obsidian jacket.

“I’ve been doing research. All those books in the library,” he said. “There’s no such thing as an unrequited mating bond. I think it’s just that your bond hasn’t snapped into place yet.” 

“And you think a kiss would do that?” I asked. He nodded. “What was the pretty lie you had prepared?”

He smiled slightly. “Just that it would piss Tamlin off and that would be amusing for me.” He paused. “You think so little of me that you would probably believe it, too.”

“That’s not true.” I cleared my throat a little. “Don’t you think this would piss him off more?”

“Undoubtedly.” 

“And you’re willing to risk his wrath?” I asked. “You saw what he did to Amarantha.”

“I’m willing to risk anything for my mate, Feyre,” he said softly, his eyes burning into mine. 

“What if you’re wrong?”

“I rarely am,” he said. 

I took a minute to think it over. I still didn’t believe him. There was no way we could possibly be mates - if anyone, it had to be Tamlin to be my mate. But Rhys seemed so convinced and it made me doubt myself.

But the deal didn’t sound so bad, in general. All I had to do was kiss him - just one kiss and I would be free forever. Free to spend the rest of my life in peace with Tamlin. It could possibly be worth the risk. I would be able to return to my love without all the tension that my time at the Night Court caused. 

“Could you get rid of my tattoo in the process?” I asked, thinking I might as well throw that into the deal too. 

“No. In fact, I’d have to add one,” he said with a smirk, his cool mask back on. “Night Court tradition and all.” 

“You don’t have any tattoos,” I pointed out. 

“I’m the High Lord. I’m usually the one offering the deals.” 

I didn’t reply, still trying to think this all through. But what if he was right? What if we were mates? What would I tell Tamlin then? 

I hugged my arms to my chest as a particularly cold gust of wind swept over me. I shivered a little as I stared up at the sky, lost in thought. I heard Rhysand snap his fingers, and suddenly his obsidian jacket was over my shoulders. I mumbled a quiet thank you to him as I continued thinking it over.

One kiss. One kiss for my freedom. 

I could risk it. I could risk it if it meant I got to spend the rest of my life happily with Tamlin, no interruptions. 

“Feyre,” Rhys said directly in my ear. I jumped a little. “Do we have a deal or not? I’d like to get back to my party.” 

“Fine. One kiss for my _immediate_ freedom.” I learned my lesson about loopholes the hard way Under the Mountain. I finally turned to face him. “But prepare to be disappointed, Rhys.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Why? Are you a bad kisser?”

“You tell me,” I said with venom, remembering the one time he kissed me Under the Mountain. “You’ve already had the pleasure.”

“I was too busy saving your life to really notice.”

He stepped closer to me and traced one slender finger across my collarbone. Then he cocked his head, considering, as his finger moved lower, to the space just between my breasts. I was frozen in place for a moment as my skin burned at his touch. I looked down as his finger pulled away and hissed at him. 

My new tattoo was a mountain with three stars. The symbol of the Night Court. 

“You bastard!” I said. “You couldn’t have done it anywhere else?” 

He chuckled. He was entirely too pleased with himself.

“I’m afraid not.”

“Bastard,” I repeated. 

“It was too good to pass up,” he said with a smirk. 

“Can we just get this over with?” I said angrily. “You have a party to get back to and I’d like to go home.”

He gently lifted my chin so I was forced to stare into his violet eyes.

“As much as you try to deny it, Feyre, you know there’s a part of you that wants this,” he said softly. 

And in that moment, I hated him. Absolutely hated him, because he somehow knew - he always _knew_ and that wasn’t fair. My eyes betrayed me and I stared at his beautifully sensuous lips for a moment. Then I looked back at his eyes and I could see everything in them then - the shadows, the sadness, the loneliness, the desire. He stopped hiding from me. 

“Just do it,” I said, closing my eyes.

My heart pounded as he cupped either side of my face, so gently, and brought his lips to mine. It was slow and sweet, and my lips responded to him immediately. I lost myself, wrapping my arms around his neck and getting even closer to him. One of his hands dropped to my waist and the other gripped my hair as he flicked my bottom lip with his tongue. My mouth opened up to him right away, entirely of its own accord. Our tongues danced together, exploring, pushing and pulling.

And then I felt - something. It wasn’t a bond. It couldn't be. It was pure lust. It must have been. I _wanted_ Rhysand, more than I cared to admit -

I still didn’t pull away. It wasn’t until many long minutes later, when his hands started exploring my backside and I had started unbuttoning his tunic that I snapped back to reality. 

I pushed him away and stumbled backward a few steps, trying to catch my breath.

_Tamlin_ , I had to think. _You did this for Tamlin._

I couldn’t look at Rhys. I was disgusted with myself.

“Feyre-”

“You got your kiss,” I said. “Now take me home.” 

“Feyre, look at me,” he demanded. I slowly turned and met his violet stare. I felt that thing again - that lust, the desire of seconds before. Not a bond, I told myself. I shook my head at him.

“Take me home,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “A deal is a deal.” 

He stared at me for a moment, his eyes full of disappointment. But then his face cleared and he looked calm and collected. Bored, almost. He held out a hand to me.

“A deal is a deal,” he echoed flatly.

I reluctantly took his hand and in an instant the shadows wrapped around us, taking us from the mountainside of the Night Court to the rose garden of the Spring Court. He dropped my hand as soon as we got there. I opened my mouth to say something, but I had no idea what I could say in this situation. He spared me from having to say anything at all.

“It’s been a pleasure,” he said, almost sarcastically. He bowed at the waist and disappeared into the shadows. 

I stared at the spot where he disappeared as bile rose up in my throat. I couldn’t say why I suddenly felt so sick. I told myself I should feel happy - I was finally free from that horrible deal. But something just didn’t feel right.

I sat down on a stone bench and took a few moments to compose myself, breathing in the scent of the roses surrounding me. I just needed to clear my head of that kiss, of Rhysand, of the Night Court, of _everything_. 

I would be fine. Everything would be fine. 

After a while, I slowed my racing heart and rose to my feet. I squared my shoulders and walked slowly over to Tamlin’s home - _my home._

At least I would have a nice surprise for my high lord.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never thought my own fanfiction could give me so many feelings, and yet here we are. *sobbing*


	9. Mostly Good News

I slowly made my way up into the house, still wrapped in Rhysand’s jacket, trying to think of the proper way to explain the situation to Tamlin. He would be happy that I’m free, but I’m sure he would be less than pleased by the terms that granted me my release. I was definitely not going to tell him that Rhys thought he mated with me. The kiss - I had to tell him about that. And there was no getting around the tattoo. 

It was pretty late by the time I returned, so I was shocked to find that Tamlin and Lucien were still awake. They were sitting in the dimly lit dining room, sipping wine in companionable silence. They both looked up at me in shock when I slipped through the door and joined them at the table. 

“Feyre! Are you alright?” Tamlin asked, jumping up from his seat and running over to me.

Was I? Physically, I was unharmed, of course. But there was this nagging feeling in my chest that something was off, that something was not quite right. I pushed it down and smiled brightly at Tamlin.

“Better than alright,” I said. “Tam, I’m free.”

He stared at me blankly for a moment, then blinked a few times.

“Free?” he repeated. “From your deal?”

I nodded and a slow, brilliant smile broke over his face. Then I _was_ alright - it was all worth it just to see that smile. He sat down next to me and took my hands, squeezing them gently.

“How?” he asked, still smiling.

“Yes, I am very interested in hearing how you managed this one,” Lucien said with a smirk, still sipping at his wine. I rolled my eyes at Lucien, but my heart started beating a little faster. This was the tricky part - telling Tamlin exactly how I got out of my deal.

“First, I need you to promise me you won’t get mad,” I said to Tamlin. “Because it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, this ought to be good,” Lucien muttered. His smirk didn’t fade for a second. 

But Tamlin’s beautiful smile fell. He looked instantly suspicious.

“What did you do?”

I took a deep breath. “I made another deal with Rhys.”

“ _Feyre_ -”

“It was a good deal!” I said before he could start yelling. I squeezed his hands. “Well, not a good deal, but I’m free now, Tam. No more weeks at the Night Court, starting immediately. I don’t ever have to see him again.”

The words came out easily enough, but they tasted harsh and bitter on my tongue. The thought of _never_ seeing Rhysand again didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t bond with him, but I had started thinking of him as a friend - almost. He saved my life, after all. 

“What was the deal?” Tamlin’s voice was thick.

“Promise me you won’t get mad first.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Okay, fine, be mad - but promise me you won’t go flying off the handle,” I said. 

Tamlin’s jaw clenched but he nodded. That was as good as I was going to get, apparently. 

I took a deep, deep breath. And then another. 

“Rhysand offered me my freedom,” I said, “for one kiss.”

Tamlin went very stiff at my words, while Lucien chuckled quietly into his wine. I don’t know why he found that funny, but I was too busy trying to think of something to say to Tam to make him feel better. 

“I figured one kiss was better than one week a month for the rest of my life,” I continued, squeezing his hands again, imploring him to think it through. “Right? Anyway, it was a very, very brief kiss.”

That wasn’t true at all, but Tamlin didn’t need to know that. 

He was silent for a minute. Finally, he asked, “Why? Why did he even make that deal?”

“Well, he and I don’t exactly get along. We spend most of our time at the Night Court fighting,” I lied. “So he wanted to release me, but he said he couldn’t without another deal. And I think the kiss was to get under your skin.”

Tamlin let loose a long breath, nodding. “Okay. Okay. That’s not so bad. You have your freedom. That’s all I ever wanted for you.” Then he smiled at me.

“There’s… one more thing.”

“Oh, Cauldron, I’m loving every second of this,” Lucien said, amused.

“Lucien, will you shut the hell up?” I snapped at him.

Before he could respond, Tamlin closed his eyes and asked, “What else, Feyre?” 

“I have another tattoo now.”

“I wouldn’t have expected anything less from Rhysand,” he said. 

“Yes, well… It’s the tattoo itself that you may not like. And also…” I breathed deeply. “And also the location.”

He opened his eyes at this and waited for me to elaborate. In response, I shrugged out of Rhys’s jacket and pulled down the front of my dress - not enough to reveal my breasts entirely, but just to show them the tattoo. Tamlin’s claws shot out immediately and he growled. Even Lucien looked angry.

“ _I’m going to kill him_.”

“Tam,” I said softly. “It’s not a big deal-”

“That’s _his_ symbol - and right there? _Really_?” he growled. 

“You know he only did it to get that kind of reaction out of you! He’s goading you, Tamlin. You can’t let him win.” 

“He won’t win if he’s dead.” 

“There has been enough death in Prythian lately, don’t you think?” I snapped. I put the jacket back on, wrapping it around myself so that my new tattoo was no longer showing, and for some reason, that instantly calmed me. Maybe it was the warmth, or the familiar scent-

No. No, it was that I was tired of fighting with Tamlin. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes for a second. 

“It’s done, Tam,” I said evenly. “It’s over with, all of it. Let’s just let this go and move on with our lives. Okay?” 

“Okay,” he said after a minute. He gave me a tentative smile. “We should celebrate your freedom tomorrow. We could have a feast-”

“No feast,” I interrupted. I was so sick of parties and feasts. “Let’s just have a nice dinner - you, me, Alis and her boys, Lucien, if he behaves-”

Lucien snorted into his wineglass. 

“Whatever you want,” Tamlin replied, leaning in to kiss me. It was quick and sweet, probably to spare Lucien. Or to spare us from Lucien’s eye-rolling and huffing. It was nothing like my kiss with Rhysand, and I couldn’t figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing. But then Tamlin and I bid Lucien goodnight, heading up to our bedroom,

It took me a long, long time to get to sleep. I still couldn’t quite believe that I wouldn’t be waking up in the Night Court the next morning, that I would be in my own bed with my high lord, and I’d never have to leave again.

*

Less than a month later, Tamlin got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I said yes, but even as he slipped the ring onto my finger, I couldn’t stop thinking about a certain pair of violet eyes.

_You're my mate, Feyre._

Rhysand's words that night haunted me. They echoed in my head whenever I was with Tamlin. They replayed themselves over and over again in my dreams. But it was impossible. Rhys was _not_ my mate. 

I would marry Tamlin, and we would finally get our hard-fought happily ever after.


	10. Calanmai, Part 1

In the months that followed, my life at the Spring Court returned to normal. I settled into a comfortable routine. I was able to paint again, my nightmares were becoming less and less frequent, and Tamlin and I were content. Every once in awhile, I would get this nagging feeling in my stomach, but if I ignored it enough, it went away. Overall, life was good.

Finally the time came for Calanmai, my first as a High Fae. I was thrilled at the fact that I was actually allowed to participate this year - to be a part of the magic that regenerated the land for the upcoming year. Not to mention, I remembered the way Tamlin had looked the year before - barechested, whorls of blue painted all over his body, the bare baldric strapped across his chest - and I certainly remembered the way he had bitten me on the neck afterward. I was very much looking forward to the Great Rite. 

Part of me wondered if Rhysand would be there. Faeries were free to roam the borders till dawn during Calanmai and for some reason I hadn’t figured out yet, he had come last year. But I suspected, after everything that had happened between us, he wouldn’t be too thrilled about me performing the Great Rite with Tamlin.

Alis helped me get ready for the evening. She dressed me in a simple blue dress - something that was easy to get off - and let my hair fall wildly over my shoulders, with a flower crown on top. While she prepared me, I could see the servants preparing the bonfires outside, one for each of the hills beyond the Spring Court gardens. Once we were finished getting ready, she brought me a small dinner to eat in my room.

Then, just after sunset, the drums started. I could feel the beating of the drums resonating in my veins, much stronger than I had felt it as a human. It awoke something primal in me - something I couldn’t entirely understand. I wondered if that was how Tamlin felt when the magic entered his body and turned him into the Hunter.

I finished eating and Alis led me outside. The bonfires were being lit and already there were faeries lining the path that led to the sacred cave where the Rite would be performed. It was just a formality, really, considering everyone knew that I would be the Maiden to Tamlin’s Hunter. I didn’t get a chance to see him all day - he had a duty to hunt the white stag and make a sacrificial offering before the Rite could be performed. 

I stood close by the cave mouth as I waited. I still hadn’t been inside the cave where the Rite took place, but I could see the pelt-covered floor and vague flickers of firelight coming from within. The outside, situated between two beautifully green hills, was elaborately decorated with flowers of every color, branches, and leaves. I took a good look at the faeries lining the path - mostly female, with a few males scattered in between. looking for their own fun after the Rite began. It was still so strange to see all of the Spring Court there without their masks. It was nearly impossible to tell friend from foe. But it was Fire Night; hopefully there wouldn’t be any problems. 

Just as I started getting anxious, as the drumbeat pounding through my blood started driving me crazy, Tamlin emerged from the forest. He looked exactly as I remembered he had last time - minus the mask, of course. The bare chest, the blue whorls, the baldric and the sword. Everything was the same. But without his mask, it was easier to see the magic that took hold of him. His face looked almost feral as he stalked up the path, searching for me. 

I grinned and held out my hand to him as he came closer. He stopped for a second, looked at me with those eyes too-full of a powerful magic I still didn’t fully comprehend, and…

And kept going.

I blinked a few times. I didn’t understand what had happened until he grabbed a random female closer to the cave mouth and pulled her inside instead of me.

Tamlin didn’t choose me. He chose another female for the Great Rite. 

The crowd surrounding the cave dispersed and I pushed my way through them, trying to get away as quickly as possible. A few faeries gave me pitying glances, but mostly they were focused on pairing off for their own fun. Once I was out of the crowd, I started running. To where, I didn’t know. I heard someone shouting my name behind me, but I couldn’t stop. I had to get away. I had to go-

He chose someone else. He was performing the Great Rite with someone else, and I wanted to vomit or strangle someone - strangle _him_ , strangle that female, whoever she was.

Just as I neared the manor, someone caught my arm and turned me around. I was staring into a scarred face and a russet eye - Lucien. He looked out of breath.

“Feyre, please -” he breathed. “Stop for a minute.”

I tugged my arm out of his grip, but stayed in place. At least I was away from all those faeries and their pitying glances.

“You know it’s not him,” Lucien said. “It’s the magic - the instincts - he never would have chosen someone else if it were up to him-”

“That doesn’t help!” I yelled. “He’s in that cave right now with another female! Do you think it matters if he chose her or not?”

“Of course it matters,” he said. “He’s not himself right now!”

“I don’t care,” I sneered. I stormed off, this time not toward the house. I headed toward the forest.

Lucien followed. “Feyre, where are you going?”

“Somewhere far away from here.”

He groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re going to the Night Court.”

I didn’t reply. I hadn’t exactly intended to head in that direction, but my body led me that way without me noticing.

“Anywhere but the Night Court,” Lucien pleaded as he followed me to the cave entrance. “Please. I don’t need this kind of drama in my life-”

I whirled around. “Enjoy the Rite,” I bit out before turning back and stepping into the dark cave. He thankfully didn’t follow me in.


	11. Calanmai, Part 2

As I walked through the darkness, I noticed I was crying and I tried to wipe away my tears, but they just kept coming and coming. I thought of the ring on my finger and how badly I wanted to rip it off, how badly I wanted to forget for even just a second that Tamlin and I were together and that he was currently coupling with another female. 

I didn’t know what I intended to do once I got to the Night Court. I could stay in the cave, or sit in the forest, or I could knock on the door and beg Rhysand to let me stay the night. All I knew was I couldn’t go back to the Spring Court. Not while it was still Calanmai.

My body ended up making the decision that my head, in its distressed state, could not. I walked through the cave, through the black forest, and up the white stone path to the Night Court estate, as if I were being tugged by a string. I had no idea what I might say - and I wondered if I needed to say anything at all. My tears and my anger would probably do all the talking. 

I stood in front of the door for a long while before I summoned the courage to raise my fist and knock loudly. I stepped away from the door and waited. It took a couple minutes but eventually the door opened slowly. I was shocked to find Lori there.

“Feyre!” she said, excited until she took in my appearance. “What are you doing here? Are you alright-”

“Can I come in?” I asked quietly.

“Of course,” she said. She ushered me in and shut the door behind me. “What’s wrong?”

“I just need a place to stay for a little while,” I said. 

She didn’t ask any further questions. She just took me by the hand and led me up to my bedroom - my old bedroom. It wasn’t technically mine anymore. She forced me down onto the bed, wiped my eyes and my smudgy makeup with a tissue, and wrapped a blanket around me. Then she left for a few minutes, only to come back with a cup of hot tea. I sipped at it gratefully as she searched through the old closet for some nightclothes I might wear.

Finally, she sat with me and squeezed my hand.

“What are _you_ doing here?” I asked her, once I had calmed down enough to speak properly. “I thought you were only supposed to be here when I was here.”

Lori shrugged. “Lord Rhysand offered me a permanent position here after you left, and I like the Night Court, so…” She shrugged again. “Do you want to talk?”

I shook my head and drank my tea. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t even want to _think_.

“Do you want me to talk?” she asked.

I nodded, and Lori didn’t need anymore prompting before launching off into one of her usual stories. She stayed and talked to me for over an hour, even though I didn’t talk back. She distracted me long enough for my eyes to grow heavy and tired. Then she helped me change into the nightclothes she found and left me alone for the night. 

But I wasn’t alone for very long, not that I expected to be. Almost as soon as Lori left and as soon as I laid down in my bed, shadows formed around my door. I sat up and wrapped my arms around myself as I waited for Rhysand to fully appear. 

“Feyre,” he said softly. 

In all the months that had passed since the ball, I had forgotten just how beautiful he was. It almost hurt to look at him.

“Hi,” I said lamely. “I’m sorry for just showing up out of nowhere, but -”

“It’s Calanmai,” he said. He took a few graceful strides toward me. 

“Yes. It is.”

“And yet you’re here,” he said. 

“I didn’t know where else to go,” I said. “If you don’t want me here, I can leave-”

“No,” Rhys said quietly. He sat on the edge of my bed. “You are always welcome here.” 

“Thank you,” I mumbled. I started fidgeting with the silken sheets beneath me. 

“I’m guessing Tamlin didn’t choose you for the Rite.”

“You would be correct.”

Rhys sighed. “As much as I hate to defend Tamlin, it’s the magic-”

“I know,” I snapped. “I know it’s the damn magic. That doesn’t mean I can’t be upset about it.” I paused to take a deep breath. “I just don’t understand. He said he would have chosen me last year, and that’s when I was _human_ \- what could have possibly changed?”

He was silent for a minute, staring at the wall, unblinking.

“I could think of something,” he said finally. “But you wouldn’t like to hear it.”

I raised an eyebrow at him and waited for him to continue. There was no point in _not_ hearing whatever his theory was. I was already distraught. 

“He might have caught the scent of another male on you,” he said. “A scent that indicated you were bonded to someone else.”

“Meaning you?” I asked. He nodded. “Rhys, we’re not bonded. And I don’t see what bonds have to do with the Rite-”

“The magic would not allow him to pick someone already bonded. And if he had a mate, it would not allow him to pick anyone _but_ his mate, unless his mate wasn’t in attendance for some reason,” Rhys explained. “It’s a strange magic that takes control of you.”

Right. I had forgotten that Rhys was a High Lord and had personal experience with this. 

I played with my hands as I asked, “What does it feel like? When that magic takes over?”

He let loose a long breath and leaned back against the bedpost, facing me. 

“Well, thanks to my particular abilities, it doesn’t take me over the way it does the other High Lords,” he said slowly. “I’m still mostly in control. But it’s still… It’s all-consuming. The most primal need. It drives you crazy until you’re satisfied.” 

“Oh... When is your Great Rite?” I asked out of curiosity.

“Usually around midsummer. Why, would you like an invitation?” he said with the slightest of smirks. 

“Of course not,” I said, but there was no bite to it. “What have you been doing now that I’m not around for you to torment?” 

“This and that,” he said with a shrug. “Nothing terribly interesting.”

“High Lord stuff?” I asked.

He let out a chuckle. “Yes, Feyre. High Lord stuff.” His eyes fell to my left hand and lingered on the ring there. “I never got to congratulate you on your engagement.”

“Well, I’d say you can congratulate me now, but I don’t exactly feel like celebrating it at the moment,” I replied.

He inclined his head to me. “Understandable. How is your painting going?” 

“It’s going well. I paint the Night Court a fair amount,” I admitted. I hadn’t even shown Tamlin those particular paintings.

Rhys smiled a little. “I’d like to see them sometime.” 

“Sure,” I said with a shrug. “Have you flown yet?”

“A couple of times.”

“That’s good to hear.”

We fell into an awkward silence. I was sure both of us were remembering the last time we were together, drinking and dancing, and _that kiss_. That kiss that I still dreamed about sometimes. 

After a while, Rhys stood. “I’ll let you get some rest,” he said. He didn’t wait for me to respond before he started melting into the shadows.

“Wait!” I said. He stopped and looked at me. “Can you…” I took a deep breath and steeled myself. I couldn’t believe what I was about to ask him. “Can you stay with me for the night?” 

He stared at me for a moment before he nodded. “Of course.”

I made some room for him on the bed and neither of us spoke as we laid under the covers together. For some reason I couldn’t explain, his proximity made me so much more… _calm_. I could temporarily forget about Tamlin and Calanmai. I could forget the pain this night had caused me. I could just close my eyes… and fall asleep, which is exactly what I did.

*

When I woke up the next morning, I was lying on Rhysand’s chest with his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I wasn’t sure when or how we ended up like that, but I didn’t immediately move. As much as I hated to admit it, it wasn’t a bad way to wake up. I knew it was wrong - I knew I shouldn’t even have gone to the Night Court. But that feeling of calm and peace was still there, as long as I was holding on to him.

I looked up at his face and found violet eyes staring down at me. Neither of us moved. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling, but truthfully I didn’t even know what _I_ was thinking or feeling. Until he cupped my jaw with one hand and his soft lips crashed into mine. It was gentle but fierce, and I melted into him, my lips dancing with his, my hands reaching to either side of his perfectly sculpted jaw to keep him in place. My mind was blissfully blank as he grabbed my hair and deepened the kiss. His tongue expertly explored and caressed my own and I couldn’t help the little moan that escaped.

_This_ -

There was a loud knock at the front door. We pulled apart, both startled by the sudden interruption. I scrambled off the bed. His eyes didn’t leave me for a second, but he didn’t move. Suddenly I couldn’t look at him. Rhys took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair.

“That will be Tamlin,” he said quietly.

I nodded. I should have known he would come looking for me. I grabbed my dress from the previous night off a chair and slipped it on over my nightclothes. I finally looked back at Rhys, still sitting on the bed. He seemed uncomfortable, though I’d rarely seen him anything other than composed. I cleared my throat a little.

“Thank you,” I said. “For everything.” 

“You’re going back, aren’t you?”

The way he looked at me when he said it broke my heart. There was such sadness in his violet eyes. He still thought I was his mate, and I might have given him the wrong idea, asking him to stay with me and waking up in his arms and kissing him back…

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

“Yes.”

“You could always stay here,” he said. _With me_ , he didn’t need to say.

I thought about my engagement ring. It sat heavy on my finger, but it was a promise. A promise I couldn’t just break. Once, a long time ago, a promise was all I had, all I ever believed in.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so, Rhys.”

“Then goodbye, I suppose.”

“Goodbye, Rhys,” I said softly.

I left him sitting alone in the bed, even as my body tried to tug me back there. I made my way down the stairs and over to the front door. I took a long, deep breath before I opened it.

Tamlin was indeed standing there, looking bedraggled and absolutely pathetic. Like he hadn’t slept all night. He probably hadn’t. He’d been busy performing the Rite, after all.

“I’m sorry,” he said as soon as he saw me, his voice thick with regret and sadness.

I didn’t respond. Seeing him made me feel a million things all at once, but mostly anger. I knew, _I knew_ , it wasn’t his fault, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

“Will you come home?” he asked after an extended silence.

I stepped outside and closed the doors behind me. “I think,” I said, “that we should hold off on the wedding plans for a while. And that I should move back into my old room for the time being.”

He nodded and offered me his hand. I hesitated, but I took it, and we returned to the Spring Court, neither of us saying a word. Neither of us knew what we might say to the other anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you want to be extra sad after this chapter, listen to a song called "Steady" by Hey Ocean! and cry about Rhysand for days.


	12. The Black Envelope

The next few months at the Spring Court were nothing short of miserable. I spent most of my time locked up alone in my room - Alis would come sometimes and sit with me, a cup of hot molten chocolate in tow - or in my painting room. My heart wasn’t in the painting, though. Everything I painted came out muddled and dark, like I had lost the ability to paint something bright and beautiful. Still, I tried. Painting something was better than painting nothing, especially since it took me so long to get back into it after my trials.

Tamlin and I barely spoke. I knew he felt horrible about Calanmai, and for the first few weeks afterward he had trouble even looking me in the eye. I tried, at first, to eat my meals with him and Lucien as usual, but it got to be too much. It wasn’t long before I started taking all my meals in my room. Lucien would take me on walks through the forest when he wasn’t busy, but when it was clear my melancholy wasn’t going away anytime soon, he became a lot more busy a lot more often.

One time, right around the start of summer, Tamlin and I were passing each other in the hallway on the way to bed. I planned on ignoring him as usual, but he caught my arm gently and stopped me.

“I miss you,” he said. At this point, he’d started looking me in the eye again, but I found it was too much. I stared down at my feet and didn’t reply. “Are you going to be upset forever?” 

I shrugged out of his grip. “I’ll be upset for however long I’m upset. Goodnight, Tamlin.” 

I slipped into my bedroom without a sound. I felt like a ghost haunting the Spring Court, a withdrawn, wandering, weepy spirit. Reminding the living residents of things they might not want to be reminded of. I had no purpose there. It was similar to how I felt after returning from Under the Mountain, but somehow worse - because at least then, I was able to pretend. We were able to pretend. We acted like everything was okay then, even if it wasn’t. That wasn’t an option anymore.

But I had every right to feel the way I did. Maybe Tamlin hadn’t meant to, maybe it was the magic that took his body over during Calanmai, but he still betrayed me. He still made love to another woman, and he was expecting me to just be okay with that? 

I never took my ring off.

I tried not to think about Rhys and his offer to me. To stay at the Night Court.

It was certainly tempting some nights, especially when my loneliness became overwhelming and my mind was racing and my heart pounding and I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. I would remember that feeling of peace I had the last time I was with Rhys, and I would get out of bed and start pulling on my boots. I would make it halfway out the door before turning back and returning to bed.

I couldn’t just run away from my problems - our problems - like that. Although hiding myself in my room probably wasn’t a great solution, either. But it was hard to try and move on when all I could think about whenever we were in the same room together was how Tamlin had been with another woman, magic or no magic.

One day I was in my painting room, staring at a blank canvas. I had thought about painting a mountain. A nice misty mountain with snowcapped peaks and stars shining through the tops of pine trees, but the vision in my head reminded me too much of the Night Court. I already had a stash of paintings dedicated to it. I didn’t need one more.

Maybe I could paint the grassy knolls of the Spring Court, or maybe what I remembered of Elain’s garden in the mortal realms, or maybe…

I sighed. Maybe I would paint another damn mountain. 

Just as I lifted my hand to get to work, there was a knock at the door. Tamlin didn’t wait for my permission to enter. He merely opened the door and stood awkwardly in the doorway, clearing his throat to announce his presence. I pivoted to face him and waited. 

These past couples months, I hadn’t really spoken to him unless he spoke to me first. 

“You have a visitor,” he said.

A visitor. He made it sound like I was in prison. 

“Who?” I asked. 

For just a split second, I thought it might be Rhys. But if Rhys were coming to see me, he probably wouldn’t come in through the front door and speak to Tamlin first. He would probably pop up from the shadows and scare the living daylights out of me - that would give him a good chuckle. I’d also probably be able to sense him. Because of my stupid tattoos.

Tamlin shrugged. “Lori?”

Oh. Well, that was interesting.

Tamlin had never met Lori, and I don’t think I ever mentioned her to him. Had I? I couldn’t remember. But from the lack of anger or annoyance on his face, he didn’t seem to know that Lori worked at the Night Court for Rhys. I certainly wasn’t going to tell him. Not that I was really talking to him anyway.

“Where is she?” I asked.

“I brought her to the sitting room,” he said.

I stood. “Thank you.”

“Feyre-” He was frowning at me.

“Thank you,” I repeated, striding out the door, right past him. He didn’t follow.

I didn’t run down the stairs, but I certainly took them more quickly than I normally would have. The sitting room was just across the dining room, so I was there in no time. I threw open the doors to find Lori sitting in an overstuffed armchair, being served tea by Alis. I grinned at her as soon as I saw her - my first real smile in months. She ran over to me and hugged me. I squeezed her back. It was good to see someone who _didn’t_ make my life astonishingly uncomfortable and difficult (unlike everyone at the Spring Court, who were taking Tamlin’s side in our non-fight, and Rhysand, who kept insisting I was his mate, which I wasn’t). 

It wasn’t lost on me that Lori was probably here on Rhysand’s behalf. Still, I didn’t mind.

“It’s so good to see you,” I told her.

“You too!” Her grin stretched from ear to ear. She dragged me over to a couch and made me sit right next to her. Alis poured me a cup of tea and left the room, not before giving me a surprised glance. It probably was surprising, that I had a guest. 

“How are you?” I asked.

“Good! Are you better? Last time I saw you, you were-”

“Not great,” I finished for her. I didn’t want to talk about Calanmai. “I’ve been doing okay.”

She sipped at her tea. “I miss having you at the Night Court.”

“Well, you could always come see me, Lori,” I said. “You’re more than welcome here.”

“Good,” she said with a smile. “I do miss sunlight sometimes.”

And I missed the starlight of the Night Court, but I wasn’t going to say that out loud.

“So… Not that I’m not excited to see you, because I am,” I started. “Very much so, but what brings you here? Should I be worried?”

Lori laughed. “No, of course not! Lord Rhysand sent me here to give you this.”

She reached into a pocket and handed me a black envelope. I stared at it for a moment before taking it. I didn’t open it immediately. I just held it in my hands, feeling the stiff paper, wondering what on earth it could be and how the hell he expected me to read whatever was inside. Surely he didn’t think I’d continue reading lessons of my own volition?

As if reading my mind, she continued, “He said I needed to deliver it in person, just in case you couldn’t read the whole thing by yourself. But he said not to mention that part - he knows you’re sensitive about it.” She paused. “I didn’t know you can’t read.”

I kept my eyes on the black envelope. “It’s not something I really mention to people.”

“Well, it’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she said. “If I could paint half as well as you, I wouldn’t really care if I couldn’t read-”

“Lori, what is it?” I asked. I didn’t really want to talk about my inability to read. Though I had improved under Rhysand’s instruction.

“I don’t know, I haven’t read it yet,” she said with a shrug.

“What else did he say?” I was trying to delay opening the envelope. 

“Nothing much, but…”

“But?”

Lori shrugged again. “I think he misses you.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Well, he doesn’t ever say anything about you, really. He wouldn’t. He’s a High Lord and all. But sometimes he goes into your bedroom and just stands there for a bit. Sometimes he sits on the bed.”

“That’s it?” I asked, an eyebrow raised. “Maybe he’s just thinking about how he can redecorate it.” 

The thought of him standing in my old bedroom because he missed me just seemed pathetic. And if there was one thing Rhys was not, it was pathetic

Lori shrugged in response.

“And how do you even know that?” I asked. 

“He told me to clean out your closet because he didn’t think you’d be coming back,” she said. “But I didn’t get around to it until a week later, and I guess he didn’t realize I was in the closet.” She laughed a little. “And I sure as hell wasn’t coming out after witnessing him brooding over you. He might have killed me.” 

“Brooding over me,” I repeated, rolling my eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

He still thought we were mates and I remembered the look in his eyes after I’d left the Night Court the last time - maybe it wasn’t that ridiculous. But it didn’t fit in with the image of Rhysand, the powerful High Lord of the Night Court, who cared about no one and nothing.

That wasn’t true. Rhys cared about a lot of things. His court, his subjects, his lands, his wings. His freedom. His friends. (I’m sure he had some.) I suspected, somewhere deep down, he might even have cared about Tamlin. They had definitely been friends once. And he had cared enough about Prythian and even the mortal realms that he had served as Amarantha’s whore for decades, just to plot against her. 

So maybe it wasn’t ridiculous that he cared about me. But for him to spend any of his time at all pining over me was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. Rhys was a man of action, if nothing else.

Which brought me back to the matter at hand. The black envelope. 

I opened it slowly and carefully. Still delaying the inevitable. Inside the envelope was a thick white card with black writing. It was handwritten - an elegant, scrawling script. Probably written by Rhys himself. I might have been able to read it if he had printed it. But, of course, he hadn’t. He had thought this through enough to send Lori, but not enough to write neatly. Prick. 

I handed it to Lori without a word. I didn’t need to ask her to read it to me. She read it over silently first, and then broke out giggling -

“What?” I asked. “What is it?”

Her face was a shade of red I didn’t know existed. She couldn’t stop giggling for a minute, clutching the white card to her chest, trying unsuccessfully to gulp down air.

When she calmed down, she said, “It’s an invitation. A personal invitation, from the _High Lord of the Night Court_ -”

“Invitation for what? Another ball?”

She giggled again and shook her head. “Fire Night!”

Suddenly my cheeks were hot. “Fire Night - you mean like Calanmai? The Great Rite and all that?”

“The Night Court’s version, yes,” she said, still unable to breathe properly. “It’s in two weeks, but I didn’t think this was why he’d send me here - oh, Cauldron, you have to go!”

I ripped the card out of her hand and tried to read it myself, as if that somehow could change the words. But it didn’t. Now that I got the gist of what the invitation was, I could make out the words - it was very formal, as if he’d send this invitation to anyone. He hadn’t even signed his name. 

“Is this a joke?” My hands were shaking. I couldn’t decide if I was more angry or embarrassed. A man of action indeed. Here was his plan - lure me to Fire Night, convince me we were mates, steal me off to the Night Court forever. 

“No! Cauldron, no! Oh, Feyre, you have to go!” 

“ _Absolutely not_.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked. “It wouldn’t hurt to get out of the house and mingle with some other faeries.”

“The worst that could happen? Lori, it’s _Fire Night_!” I yelled. Then I realized I was in a house full of High Fae with very good ears, so I quieted down. “He thinks I’m his mate, he’d want me for the Rite-”

Lori’s eyes widened. “He thinks you’re his _mate_? Feyre! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t know until the ball! And it doesn’t matter anyway because Rhys is not my mate!”

“Okay, even still, what would be so bad about performing the Rite with Lord Rhysand?”

“I am engaged,” I hissed at her. 

“Just because you have a ring doesn’t mean you’re actually engaged.” She shrugged one shoulder.

“That’s exactly what that means!”

“But if he’s your mate-”

“He’s not!” I shouted.

Lori pursed her lips. “ _Fine_. He’s not your mate. But you should still consider coming. It’s fun. Plus, I started seeing someone and I’d like you to meet him.” She grinned at me and waited for a response, but I gave none. I was still shaking. Finally she sighed. “Just think about it. For me, okay?”

“I’ve already thought about it.”

“Think about it more,” she said simply. “You have two weeks.”

I growled at her and ripped the stupid invitation in two. 

Lori stood, still smiling at me. “You know, I wish he had told me what was in that envelope so I could have prepared better.”

“I wish the envelope didn’t exist,” I grumbled. 

She leaned down and kissed my cheek goodbye. “It was good to see you, Feyre. Hopefully I’ll see you soon.” She winked and practically skipped out of the room.

I threw the pieces of the invitation on the ground.

I looked down at the feline eye in my left palm. “You are a disgusting bastard,” I told it. “And you are absolutely insane if you think I’m coming. And we are not mates!” 

Then I picked up the pieces of the invitation, stuffed it back into the black envelope, and shoved the envelope into my tunic. I returned to my painting room and threw a bunch of paint at the canvas. It was an ugly, giant, splattered mess - just like my brain. Just like my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, friends! Just a little warning that the next update maaaaaay take a little longer than usual! Thank you for bearing with me! :D


	13. A Last Minute Decision

I went.

I wasn’t planning on going. At all. In fact, I spent the next two weeks trying to pretend the invitation to Fire Night didn’t exist. But the black envelope I’d hidden under my pillow only served to haunt and taunt me. I thought about burning it, but that seemed extreme. And sometimes I would take it out, just to look at the handwriting on the ripped up card, and I would think about our kiss, and just… unravel.

I could never get the taste of Rhys off my lips, no matter how hard I tried.

But that day, I’d spent the majority of my time painting. The stupid Night Court. Again. My clothes were splattered with paint and I returned to my room to change. I found Tamlin sitting on the edge of my bed, the black envelope in hand. When I stepped in, he raised the envelope for me to see.

“What is this?”

“Why were you going through my things?” I asked, trying to control my anger. I was already shaking. He had no right-

“I came to see you and it was sticking up from under your pillow,” he said.

“That doesn’t mean you can just take it!” I yelled. I snatched the envelope away from him and slipped it into my tunic.

His jaw clenched. “What is it, Feyre?”

“Don’t ask me when you’ve already read it,” I growled.

He didn’t deny that he read it. “You’re not going.”

“First of all, I wasn’t planning on it. Secondly, you have no right to tell me what I can and cannot do.” 

We glared at each other. After a minute, he sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry, okay? Will you have dinner with us tonight?”

“Fine.” Anything to avoid talking about Rhys and his Rite. 

We didn’t speak as we walked down to the dining room together. Lucien was already there, digging into the first course. Tamlin pulled out my usual chair for me - one I hadn’t used in months - and sat across from me. I said hello to Lucien and started in on my wine. I picked at the food too, but I found I needed the drink to get through this meal.

Any conversation they tried to start with me was stilted, awkward, and very short-lived. I had little to say to either of them at this point. My mind kept wandering to the Night Court. How far along in the festivities were they? Had they started the bonfires and the drums? Was Rhys already performing the Rite? The thought made me sick with jealousy, and the fact that I was jealous in the first place made me even more sick. 

What was wrong with me? I was sitting across the table from my _fiance_ , and I was thinking about Rhys.

_Your mate_ , a small voice in the back of my head whispered.

But no. He wasn’t my mate. I hadn’t felt any sort of bond with him. I just liked the way his violet eyes twinkled, and the way his lips tasted on mine, and his deep chuckle that sometimes sent shivers down my spine…

No, no, no. I couldn’t think about any of that.

I was on my third glass of wine by the time the main course was served. 

But I kept thinking about Rhys and… My judgment was impaired. My decision-making skills were not up to par. 

“I’m going to bed,” I announced halfway through the meal. 

I did not wait for Tamlin and Lucien to bid me goodnight as I exited the dining room. I went straight to my room, then through the window, then down the drainpipe, into the forest, into the cave. To the Night Court.

Somewhere along my journey, I managed to convince myself that I was not going for Rhys. I was going to see Lori. Definitely going to see Lori. And I needed to get out of the house. It would be good to meet new people. It would be nice to see how the Night Court celebrated this tradition. It would be a learning experience, a chance for me to learn about different parts of Prythian…

I had a lot of excuses. I convinced myself anyway.

Fire Night at the Night Court was not so different from Fire Night at the Spring Court. There were more bonfires than I could keep track of, and I felt the vibrations of the drums deep within my bones and my blood the instant I stepped foot out of that cave. I wasn’t sure exactly where to go or where I might find Lori, so I just followed the light of the fires and the smoke rising into the black sky.

There must have been hundreds of faeries and High Fae there, spreading out all around the Night Court estate and its surrounding mountains. They crowded around the bonfires, drinks in hand, laughing and swaying to the drumbeats, socializing, waiting for the Great Rite to begin. They were all fabulously dressed - just like the one ball I’d attended at the Night Court. I cursed myself for not changing before I came. I was still in my paint-splattered tunic and pants. Fortunately, nobody paid me any mind. It was dark and misty in the Night Court as usual, and they had better things to focus on.

As I moved through the crowds, my mind started to clear. The wine I’d had at dinner was wearing off, and suddenly I was regretting my decision to come. I knew I should have turned around and gone back to the Spring Court, but something tugged me forward, like I was being led along by a string. I found a refreshment table by the first bonfire I passed. I grabbed a cup and poured myself some wine, but I didn’t drink it. I just held it in my hands as I looked for a familiar face in the crowd.

“Feyre!” Lori’s voice came from behind me and I jumped a little before I turned to face her. As usual, she was smiling from ear to ear. She practically knocked me over with the force of her hug. My cup went tumbling out of my hand and onto the ground, but she didn’t notice. I wrapped my arms around her to return the hug, but I held on for much longer than I normally would have. I was starting to feel anxious and having someone familiar to hold onto helped.

“I knew you would come!” she said when I finally let her go.

“It was a last minute decision. Clearly.” I gestured down at my dirty clothes. 

She laughed. “Well, I can’t help with your clothes, but -” She moved behind me and unbraided my hair, mussing it a little so that it fell in messy waves down my back. Why she was always so concerned with the state of my hair, I had no idea. “There you go! You look as beautiful as ever!” 

“Thank you,” I said, grinning at her. My cheeks were warm, and I didn’t know if it was from the compliment or the last lingering effects of the wine. Lori turned around in a circle, looking for someone. When she found whoever it was, she grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward. He was High Fae, clearly Night Court - tall (at least a foot taller than her) and pretty decent-looking.

“Feyre, this is-”

“Feyre.”

I whipped around at the sound of Rhysand’s low voice to find him standing directly behind me. He was as beautiful as ever, his violet eyes shining down on me and the tendrils of night rolling off him in soft waves. It still always surprised me, how well he blended into the black night with his shadows, his raven black hair, his fine obsidian tunics… Everything about him was dark, but I had never seen more clearly.

His shoulders were tense and his nostrils flared as soon as our eyes locked. I could sense the magic in him - the magic of Fire Night, that turned him into something else until the Rite was performed. But underneath that magic, I could still see Rhys. He was in there, and he was controlling himself better than anyone else could have.

I was breathless, but I wasn’t sure why. 

Rhys offered me his hand and I took it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for bearing with me! I know this update took way longer than usual, but I had lots going on this week. Not sure when I'll be able to update again, but it shouldn't be more than a week.


	14. Giving In

Rhys and I walked hand in hand down a long path lined with faeries. Every eye was on us, but we didn’t even look at each other. Both of us kept our chins up, shoulders straight, eyes forward. We weren’t walking fast, but we weren’t walking slow either. All I could do was try to keep my heartbeat steady (impossible) and stop myself from overthinking (again, impossible).

What was I doing?

In an effort to comfort myself, to assure myself that I really wanted to do this, I squeezed his hand. I was shocked when he squeezed back.

I wanted to do this. I wanted to do this more than I even realized. I’d been a fool to think I could resist the lure of Rhys’s invitation. 

Still, the fact that I so badly wanted to do this didn’t make the fact that I was _actually_ doing it any easier to grasp.

_What about Tamlin? What about your fiance?_ a small voice in the back of my head asked.

That voice was pushed aside by all my other thoughts - the ones concerning Rhys and his hand in mine and his beautiful lips and perfect body and violet eyes and the way his touch relaxed me and simultaneously set my entire body on fire. 

“You said you weren’t coming,” he said quietly, so that only I could hear.

“I wasn't going to come.”

We still weren’t looking at each other.

“And what changed your mind?”

“Does it matter?” I said.

“I suppose not,” he replied.

We marched along the path, saying nothing more. He was leading me to the base of a small mountain where there was an opening just big enough for the two of us to fit through. Still, the faeries watched us as we walked along. Normally they would have dispersed by now. But they knew who I was, and they knew I shouldn’t be there, and they knew exactly what was going to happen in that mountain cave.

_I_ knew exactly what was going to happen in there, and yet I continued forward. I tried my best to ignore the judging eyes of the fae surrounding me.

When we reached the mouth of the cave, Rhys stopped very suddenly. He let go of my hand and finally turned to face me. His face was unreadable.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said. “You can still leave.”

I reached for his hand. “Let’s go.”

He pulled his hand away and said, “You don’t understand, Feyre. Once we step foot inside that cave, I won’t be able to control myself anymore. I won’t be able to stop. So unless you are absolutely certain…” 

In response, I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the cave. I was done thinking and worrying about this. In that moment, all I wanted was him. I was finally giving into my desire. 

As soon as we were in the cave, I wrapped my arms around his neck and crushed my lips against his. He didn’t hesitate, not even for a second. He kissed me back, shoving his tongue into my mouth, as he backed me up against the cave wall. I pulled him as close to me as I possibly could, so that there was not an inch of space between us, so that his hips ground against mine and kept me in place. I grabbed at his soft hair and he squeezed my waist in return, eliciting a soft groan from my mouth. 

It felt so good to taste him again. And having his body crushed against mine was so right. So perfect.

His lips moved from my mouth to my jaw, leaving a trail of wet kisses along it as his hands traveled up my sides. He moved down to my neck. I could hardly breathe as he found a particularly tender spot and started sucking at it. 

My hands left his hair as I reached around to unbutton his tunic. He pulled away from my neck then and caught my hand to stop me. 

“Wait,” he said, his breath heavy on my cheek. “This isn’t right.”

“I know, but -”

“You don’t know.”

Rhys slid his arms around my waist again and suddenly we were melting into the shadows. He didn’t even give me a chance to ask why.

He must have changed his mind. He must have realized that we weren’t really mates, and that this whole mess had been one giant mistake. Now he would just dump me off back at the Spring Court and pretend this never happened. Now, just as I was giving into him, just as I was letting my desire guide me to where I wanted to be.

Maybe he just liked the chase. I had always known Rhysand liked to play games. I just didn’t realize how good of a player he really was. 

Tears stung at my eyes as I leaned my head against his chest and waited for the inevitable: the moment he would set me down in the Spring Court, the moment he would push me away from him, the moment when he would mockingly tell Tamlin that I had so willingly walked into his arms, the moment he would laugh at my foolishness. The moment he would vanish into the shadows and out of my life completely.

How could I have been so, so incredibly stupid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands each and every one of you homemade cookies*


	15. Breaking Tradition

When the shadows left us, I knew I must be back at the Spring Court. I closed my eyes, my face still buried in Rhysand’s chest, and clung to him. I didn’t want to let go, and that surprised me more than anything else that night.

But Rhys gently pried me off of him. I still didn’t open my eyes. I was afraid my tears might actually fall if I did.

Never did I imagine his rejection would sting so much.

“Feyre. Open your eyes.” 

I did. Instant relief flooded through me as I realized he hadn’t taken me home like I thought. The relief was quickly replaced by confusion as I took in our surroundings.

We were on a mountain ledge. The very same, in fact, where we had made our last deal after the ball. Where we kissed. I’d forgotten how beautiful it was up here.

“I’m confused,” I said. “What are we doing here?”

His fingers wound their way through my hair. “We are going to perform the Great Rite.”

Another strange wave of relief.

“Here though?” I asked. He nodded in reply, his violet eyes boring so intensely into my own. “But - the magic - the cave - it’s tradition, isn’t it?”

“We are breaking tradition tonight.”

“Why?”

Rhys leaned in so that his mouth was pressed against my ear. 

“Because I don’t want to fuck you in a cave, Feyre,” he murmured. “I want to make love to you underneath the stars.”

His words left me breathless and when his lips found mine again, I melted into him. The kiss was hungry and desperate, like there was no time left in the world for anything but this. We tore at each other’s clothes in a mad rush until we were standing naked, on the mountain ledge, underneath a black sky with the stars shining down on us. But none of that mattered as his fingers trailed down my backside, making me shiver and setting my skin ablaze. I ran my hands all over his chest, memorizing his hard muscles and the feeling of his cool skin beneath my fingertips. I kissed and kissed him until his perfect lips were red and then I moved to his neck, sucking at him and savoring the salty taste of his flesh. His heavy intake of breath as I did that awakened an almost insatiable need deep inside of me.

Rhys couldn’t take it anymore. He finally picked me up in his strong arms and carried me over to a soft patch of grass. He pressed me into the ground beneath him and explored every inch of my body with his mouth. He started at my jaw, my neck, my collarbone, my chest. He gave extra attention to the space between my breasts where his symbol was etched into my skin forever. His mouth eventually moved down to my stomach as his hands fondled my breasts. Heat pounded between my legs and I whined.

I needed him. Now.

He moved lower and lower until he was hovering just over the space between my legs. He looked up at me, his eyes sparkling, and held my gaze for a long moment. A small smile crossed his face before he leaned down to taste me with his tongue. My back arched and my fingers curled into his hair as he devoured me. I couldn’t help the moans that escaped my lips and echoed through the mountains. 

Rhys stopped just before he brought me over the edge. 

“Please,” I whispered.

In response, he pulled himself up and crushed his lips against mine. My taste on his lips was strangely intoxicating and I couldn’t get enough of it. I pulled him in even closer to me and wrapped my legs tightly around his hips. I was ready - more than ready - and he didn’t need anymore encouragement than that. 

He pushed himself deep inside me and I cried out, clutching at his neck. He broke the kiss and just stared down at me for a minute - not moving, barely even blinking. Our chests heaved in unison, but we just stared at each other as we adjusted to the feel of one another. I reached up to cup his cheek, to trail my fingers along his jawline.

Rhysand was a glorious work of art. A true masterpiece. And right now, he was all mine. I was already full of him and still I wanted more, more, more. 

He finally started moving - a slow, gentle rhythm that I matched. It was pure ecstasy, the way he felt inside of me. But it wasn’t enough - it was never enough. He must have sensed my desperation, my greed, because each stroke got harder, faster. I writhed beneath him as he thrusted over and over again, kissing and biting my neck. I dug my nails into the skin of his back and he groaned in pleasure.

The sounds he made echoed through my bones, traveled down my spine, reverberated throughout my entire being. And on top of it all - my name.

“Feyre.” It was a soft caress, a whispered prayer on the lips of a sinner.

The world around us stopped and faded as I began to climax. It was like a supernova going off inside of me; it was an eruption so intense the edges of my vision went black. I held onto Rhys as I fractured, as the waves of pleasure washed over me, fervid and unrelenting. He went over the edge with me, his eyes locked on mine, as he finished inside me. And then-

And then my body went taut. Something clicked inside of me - like the world had been upside down and now it was rightside up - and for a moment everything in my vision really did go black. Everything, that is, except for Rhys.

Everything except for my _mate._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I made you guys read that with your own two eyes. I'm going to go live under a rock forever now GOODBYE FRIENDS


	16. An Inconstant Heart

No, no, no, no, no. 

That was _not_ supposed to happen.

As soon as my vision cleared, I pushed Rhys off me. I scrambled to get my clothes back on. There was no way - that couldn’t have just happened. It was impossible. Rhys couldn’t _really_ be my mate. It must have been something else, like the time we kissed and I felt that desire for him. Definitely not the mating bond. 

“Feyre, what are you doing?”

“I have to go,” I said.

“Why?” He too started pulling on his clothes.

“I just have to go.” My heart raced within my chest and my head was pounding and I even fell over as I was putting on my boots.

I needed to clear my head. I needed to think this over and figure it out. I needed to get far away from Rhys before he confused my feelings even more. 

I couldn’t believe I’d been foolish enough to come to the Night Court, to sleep with him…

“You felt it,” he said, grabbing my arm to stop me. “You just mated with me.”

“Let go of me,” I growled.

He let go of me. “Don’t leave.” 

“I have to go home,” I said. “This was a mistake.”

And it was. I stormed off into the forest, intending to find a path down the mountain so I could make my way back to the magical cave. I had to get back to the Spring Court before - before… I didn’t even know. Rhys followed, but he didn’t try to grab me again.

“Feyre, just stop for a minute.”

“No.”

“Why are you fighting this?” he demanded.

I whirled around. “Why am I fighting this?” I repeated incredulously. “Why am I fighting this? Because it wasn’t supposed to be you, Rhys! It was supposed to be Tamlin!” 

He hardly looked stung. In fact, he was maddeningly calm. “Well, it’s not Tamlin, is it? Trust me, if I had my choice in mates, I wouldn’t have chosen someone as difficult as you.”

“I am not difficult!” 

He merely cocked an eyebrow at me, as if I had just proven his point.

“Don’t you understand what this means?” I continued. “It means Amarantha was right. She was right about my inconstant human heart. This proves it. I never loved him half as well as he deserved. And now… Now…”

I stifled a sob. Rhys took a few graceful strides toward me and cupped either side of my face, forcing me to look him in the eye.

“Listen to me, Feyre. She was not right. You loved Tamlin well enough to save all of Prythian. You _died_ for him.” Rhys paused, then said more softly, “You love him still. He will always have a place in your beautifully human heart but, Feyre… You have no control over the mating bond. This is not your fault, and it certainly doesn’t prove her right.”

I shook my head. “I need to go.”

“You can’t just run away from this.”

“Are you kidding me?” I yelled, ripping his hands away from my face. “You did! You ran!”

“Feyre-”

“You said you felt the bond Under the Mountain! You felt it and you ran and I didn’t hear from you for _months_ , Rhys!” I poked a finger into his chest as I shouted at him. The fact that he was so calm while I was hysterical made me even more enraged. “And then once you bothered to collect on our deal, you avoided me as much as you could, and _you didn’t even tell me_ about the bond until the night of the ball-”

“I didn’t avoid you,” he said. 

“Don’t lie to me,” I snarled.

His jaw clenched. Finally, a normal reaction.

“Fine. I was avoiding you. But you don’t know how hard it is to be around your mate when she’s in love with someone else and thinks you’re an insufferable bastard.” 

“Oh, _poor you_.” 

“You should thank your lucky stars right now that you're my mate,” he said, his voice low and dangerous. Was that supposed to be some sort of threat? 

I ignored it. “Then once you told me about the bond, you gave me my freedom. Why would you do that if I’m your mate? I would think you’d use any excuse to keep me around-”

“I wanted you to choose to stay with me,” he said. “I didn’t want to keep my mate against her will.”

“You didn’t seem to mind making me do things against my will before we were mates,” I said. 

“Need I remind you that I was trying to save our skins at the time?”

“The point is, you fought this just as hard. You ran from it for almost 8 months, Rhys.”

“And what would you like me to say?”

“I don’t want you to say anything!” I yelled. “I want you to let me go home!”

He gestured down the mountain path, his face clear of any and all emotion, a far cry from his face only seconds before. “I’m not stopping you.”

“Don’t do that,” I snapped at him.

“Do what?” he replied coolly, lifting a brow at me. “Let you go?” 

“Pretend like you don’t care.”

He stepped closer to me. “Feyre, I have waited a very long time for my mate. Centuries, in fact. If you think I am going to get down on my knees and beg you to stay, you are sadly mistaken. So go back to the Spring Court, go back to Tamlin. Take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting, as I have my entire life.”

I glared at him. “You just assume I’ll come crawling back to you?” 

“Yes, and to be perfectly honest, I think it will happen sooner rather than later,” he said with an easy shrug.

The _arrogance_ \- I wanted to lunge at him. 

“And have you forgotten that I’m engaged? That I’m supposed to marry Tamlin?” I said. I held up my left hand to remind him of the ring there. It struck me then that I wore Tamlin’s ring and Rhysand’s ink on the same hand. One of those was supposed to be permanent; the other actually was, but still- “This is a promise I made. I can’t just break it-”

Rhys laughed bitterly. “You broke that promise when you slept with someone else. In fact, you broke that promise the moment you set foot on my lands tonight. You knew exactly what would happen if you came, Feyre, and you did it anyway. You _knew._ ” 

“That’s not the point.”

“Then what is the point, love?” he asked.

Again, I glared at him. “The point is - this - you and me -” I gestured between us. “ - can’t happen. It will never happen.”

“Unbelievable,” he muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Of course my mate would be the one person in this Cauldron-forsaken world who is stubborn enough to ignore the bond.” 

“I’m not ignoring it.”

“You know, most people are happy when they find their mate. Do you have to be so contrary about everything?” he asked.

“I’m not being contrary,” I said.

He blinked at me.

“I just - it’s so - this is not how things were supposed to happen,” I said. Tears streamed down my face and I wasn’t sure when they had started coming. Rhys stepped forward and wrapped me in his arms. He stroked my hair as I cried into his chest. “I fought so hard. I fought so hard for a happy ending with Tamlin. What was the point if this was always going to happen?”

Rhys didn’t reply. He wound his arms more tightly around me as shadows gathered at our feet. I groaned, but that didn’t stop him. In no time at all, we were standing in the Spring Court, near the cave entrance that led back to the Night Court. But he didn’t let go of me right away. He held me until all my tears were spent. 

The sun was already rising.

“Take your time. You clearly need it.” He kissed my forehead and instead of vanishing into the shadows, he strolled into the black cave. I watched him until he disappeared, an ache creeping into my chest with every step he took away from me. When he was completely out of sight, I fell to my knees for a moment. I considered calling him back, but he was right.

I needed time.

I got up and braced myself for whatever I might face inside. I had no idea if they knew I’d been gone or not. And I had no idea if Tamlin would even let me come home at all, if he did know. Still, I squared my shoulders and made my way up the path and into the house. It was silent inside, which felt strangely foreboding. I had to remind myself that the sun was just barely rising, and that most of the house’s occupants were sure to be asleep still. My heart raced within my chest as I slowly and silently creeped up the stairs to my room. 

The image of Rhys walking away from me, into the black cave, replayed in my mind over and over again. My _mate_. I couldn’t believe I’d just left things like that. I couldn’t believe I’d just let him walk away… 

I finally made it to my bedroom and opened the door. Tamlin was in there, sitting by the window. Waiting for me. He clearly hadn’t slept. He looked at me with his green eyes, but they held no anger, no fury, not even betrayal or accusation. His eyes were sad. Sad and tired - the kind of tired that was bone-deep. 

He knew what I had done, of course, and he was heartbroken. And it was all my fault.

How could I have done that to him? 

“Are we even?” he asked quietly. He couldn’t look at me for too long. He stared out the window as I moved further into the room, taking a seat on the edge of my bed.

“Yes,” I whispered. There was no point in lying.

“Do you think we can fix it?” 

“I don’t know.”

As we sat in silence, I could hear Amarantha's words in my head:

_Typical human trash with their inconstant, dull hearts._

I wasn't human anymore.

_Admit what a cowardly, lying, inconstant bit of human garbage you are._

Cowardly, lying, inconstant.

Yes, yes, yes.

_Say that you don't truly love him. Admit to your inconstant heart._

I truly loved him. But Rhys - Rhys was my mate.

My inconstant heart didn't know what to do.


	17. An Evening Out

I stared at my reflection in the full length mirror. Alis had done a glorious job of making me look presentable, as always. I wore a sweeping floor length gown of deepest purple, with lace sleeves covering my arms. We were going to have dinner at the Winter Court that evening, and so Alis had chosen a dress that might cover more, plus a shawl to wrap around my shoulders. I thought the whole thing was beautiful, although, in general, I usually avoided wearing any sort of purple.

My hair was pulled up into an elegant twist to showcase the diamond earrings Tamlin have given me a week ago. Things were strained between us since the events of Fire Night a month prior - but we were trying.

I noticed my face had a nice glow to it. I wondered if that was a trick of the cosmetics Alis used to paint me. If so, she was an artist. 

Overall, I looked lovely.

But everything on the inside was a mess. I could never think straight, not even on the best of days. There was an ever-present ache in my chest and I knew the source. I knew it was the distance and separation from my mate making my mind hazy and filling my heart with anguish.

Even still, I couldn’t find it in myself to tell Tamlin. I couldn’t break my promise. I couldn’t prove Amarantha right.

In the meantime, my nightmares returned with a vengeance. I couldn’t even doze without having visions of two bloody ash daggers and two innocent fae who hadn’t deserved their deaths. I still dreamed of Andras in that snowy clearing, and the image of Amarantha and her keep always lingered, even long after I had woken up.

Even as I took in my appearance in that mirror, my stomach was in knots, twisting and turning uncomfortably. I was a wreck of nerves about this dinner and there was exactly one reason why.

All the High Lords of Prythian would be at the Winter Court that night. Meaning I would have to see Rhysand for the first time since Fire Night. I had to wonder why Tamlin would even bring me along with that knowledge in mind. But all I could think was: 

_I’m going to see my mate._

My mate who I had more or less rejected. I didn’t know what I might say to Rhys when I saw him. I didn’t know if he would even bother to speak with me at all. I hoped so, even as my brain told me that I _shouldn’t_ hope.

I was conflicted, to say the least. On one hand, I was more eager to see him than I cared to admit - just to make sure he was okay. After all, I hadn’t seen or heard a single thing from him. But on the other hand, I feared what his reaction to seeing me again might be.

Before I had time to compose myself, Tamlin and Lucien were ready to go. Tam helped me into a gilded carriage and we were off to the Winter Court. I tried not to let my face betray my excitement and trepidation. I didn’t need anymore reason for Tamlin to be upset. I had hurt him enough.

Once we arrived at the Winter Court, we were ushered into a large dining room with a round table. Rhys wasn’t there yet, but every other High Lord and their companions were. Tamlin and I greeted each one personally. It wasn’t the first time I had seen the High Lords since the events Under the Mountain - but it was the first time I’d seen them since Fire Night. By this time, all of Prythian knew that I performed the Great Rite with Rhysand. Of course, nobody brought it up, but I could see the judgment in their eyes, clear as day. They all must have been wondering why Tamlin and I were still together. Why I still wore his ring.

Some days I wondered the same thing myself.

As I took my seat at the table between Tamlin and Lucien, I lamented the fact that I hadn’t been able to get a good look at the Winter Court before we got inside the estate. My view from the gilded carriage had been obscured by snowflakes dancing in the air until they kissed the earth, already covered in sheets of white. 

A servant rushed over and poured me a glass of wine, which I promptly drank. If I was going to have to face Rhys, I would need it. 

But as the High Lords and their companions all took a seat at the table, I noted that Rhysand still hadn’t arrived. I wondered if he might not show at all. He was supposed to, but he hadn’t always been friendly with the other High Lords, especially under Amarantha’s rule. There were still people, I was sure, who would always remember him as Amarantha’s whore. 

I also wondered if his absence had anything to do with my presence.

Once everyone else was seated, I noticed two empty chairs directly across from me. One of those must have been reserved for Rhys, and the other… I didn’t know who the other might be for, but it didn’t matter much. I was bemoaning my luck - of course Rhysand’s seat would be directly across from mine. I wanted to see him, of course, but having to meet his violet gaze all throughout dinner would be a special kind of hell. However, that would only happen if he actually showed up.

I didn’t speak to anyone as dinner was served. Lucien was busy having a conversation to the fae on his left and Tamlin spoke with the High Lord of the Winter Court himself. I sat quietly, sipped my wine, and pushed the food around my plate with my fork. I’d been starving on the ride over but now my appetite was gone. I tried to take a few bites, but the food was hard to swallow down.

Tamlin noticed. He leaned in to me and whispered, “Are you feeling okay?”

I forced a smile and nodded. He turned back to the High Lord of Winter and I asked a servant to refill my wine. 

It wasn’t long after that that I caught shadows forming almost directly behind me out of the corner of my eye. My breath hitched slightly, but I kept my gaze firmly focused on the plate in front of me. The room went silent for a fraction of a second as Rhysand appeared. He said a simple hello to the High Lords and walked around the table to take his seat, a beautiful High Fae female trailing behind him. She sat to his left and my grip on my wine glass tightened so hard that my knuckles turned as white as the snow outside. 

As he sat, he straightened the lapels of his jacket and said something quietly to his companion. He didn’t spare me a single glance. The conversation around the table resumed, but I couldn’t look away from him until I felt the weight of Tamlin’s eyes on me. I cleared my throat and turned to join Lucien’s conversation.

But my eyes always strayed back to Rhys. And he looked almost everywhere but at me.

_My mate_ wouldn’t look at me. 

Whenever I noticed Tamlin’s attention was elsewhere, I would try to catch Rhysand’s eye. I just needed him to look at me, just once. I needed to see his steady, unflinching gaze. I needed the reassurance I knew it would give me. I wanted to see the undercurrent of mischief that always lingered there. And I wanted to see them light up and twinkle like stars when they beheld me,

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get his attention. Not even for a second. He was too busy speaking with his beautiful companion. She laughed softly at every word he said and though I couldn’t hear him, I heard her laughter ringing in my ears. My right hand gripped my wine glass so tightly I thought I might snap the stem, and my left hand… I was digging my nails into my palm. Hoping maybe Rhysand could somehow feel that pain through the inked eye. 

If he did feel it, he didn’t give any indication. Not that he would. 

I drank my wine and tried to pretend that I wasn’t completely enraged at being given the cold-shoulder by my own mate. 

Dinner dragged on.

But towards the end I heard his familiar voice in my head:

_Feyre, darling, I know my face is a work of art, but must you stare? You’re going to give these High Lords the wrong idea._

My head snapped up to look at him, but he was still in conversation with his companion, smiling politely at her. My fingernails dug into my palm again and I had to refrain from snarling at them.

And then: _It’s cute when you’re jealous. Perhaps I should try this more often._

Of course when he finally deigned to speak to me, he would be a complete prick. I straightened my shoulders, folded my napkin on the table, and excused myself from the table. I told Tamlin I needed fresh air before I got sick - which was true.

After wandering the Winter Court estate for a few minutes, I found a set of glass double doors that led to a balcony outside. I stepped out into the cold air, snowflakes instantly falling and melting on my skin. I leaned against the carved railing, looking out over the winter wonderland, breathing in the cold, bitter air. It was harsh as it filled my lungs, but it was almost… Refreshing. Cleansing. 

I stood outside for a long while, just breathing. I needed to clear my mind of that dining room. Still, it didn’t completely help the nausea that had overcome me earlier. I should have gone easier on the wine, but being in a room with Tamlin _and_ Rhysand… I wished I had brought my glass with me. 

I was hardly surprised when, minutes later, I sensed a presence behind me. Some part of me, deep down, knew that he would find me out here. I turned to see Rhys forming out of the shadows. He wasn’t even fully corporeal before I crossed my arms over my chest and cast my iciest glare in his direction.

“Seriously? Do you have to be so obnoxious all the time?” I demanded.

When he finished forming, he merely slipped his hands into his pockets and smiled at me. It wasn’t a sardonic smile or even his usual smirk - it was a dazzling show of white teeth, brilliant and bright and so genuine. He looked _happy_.

My glare faltered. 

“How I’ve missed you,” he said softly.

“I don’t think you actually miss me,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him. “I think you miss getting a rise out of me.”

Rhys cocked one perfect eyebrow at me. “And why can’t it be both?”

“Why wouldn’t you look at me?” 

I tried to sound angry about it. I _was_ angry about it. But just being near him, looking into his eyes, seeing him smile, filled me with that sense of peace. It was a rush of relief, coursing through my veins like a river. I wanted to scream and yell at him. I wanted to take all my frustration out on him. But in that moment, all I could do was stare at him. And breathe deeply. And forget the rest of the world.

Here I was, finally, with my mate.

Nothing else mattered. Not really. 

“Because you’re here with Tamlin and I’d rather avoid his snarling and growling tonight,” he said with a shrug. “And because Prythian has enough to talk about in regards to you and I.” 

I huffed. “Right. Everyone knows about Fire Night.” 

“They do.” He smirked then. “They all wonder what in the world compelled you to leave Tamlin for Amarantha’s whore.” 

“I didn’t _leave_ him,” I muttered. “Who is that woman you’re with?”

“You mean the one you’re disgustingly jealous of?”

“I am not jealous.”

“Feyre, I have never met someone who is in such denial,” he said.

“Who. Is. She.”

Though he still wore his smirk, he shrugged one shoulder. “I can’t remember her name. I just needed an escort for the evening. I’m the only High Lord without a companion, you see.” 

I growled at him. 

Rhys took a few graceful steps toward me. He reached out and cupped my face, his thumb gently stroking my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into the touch. It was ice and fire all at once - two opposites warring for attention. It conveyed peace and passion, serenity and longing, want and need. It was maddening, but I never wanted it to end. 

“I have something for you,” he said. 

“What is it?” I asked,

His hand fell from my cheek and reached into the inside of his jacket. 

“It’s a mating present,” he said.

I blinked. “A mating present? Like the rose garden at the Spring Court?”

I had spent many days and many nights in Tamlin’s mother’s rose garden - planted by his father after the two had mated. I had wondered on more than one occasion if Tamlin would do something similar for me when we finally mated. I knew now that that was never going to happen. 

“Yes, but this is less of a grand gesture and more… sentimental. For me, at least,” he said. Before I could properly see what he was holding, he took my right arm and pushed up the sleeve of my dress. He clasped a bracelet around my wrist and smiled down at it - softly and sadly. 

It was a thin silver band, clearly old and well-worn, inlaid with round, white diamonds that sparkled like starlight. Time may have tarnished the silver, but the diamonds looked brand new, as if Rhysand had flown up in the sky and plucked the stars from the heavens himself. 

The way the bracelet shone was mesmerizing. My breath caught in my throat as I stared down at it. 

“It was my mother’s,” Rhys said quietly. “My father’s mating present to her, centuries and centuries ago. She never took it off.” 

“Until she died,” I said, even more quietly. I never heard Rhys speak of his family before, but the feeling I got in my gut when he put the bracelet on me - such deep sadness, such grief… 

“Until she died,” Rhys confirmed. “I always loved it though.” He paused and smiled wistfully. “When I was a child, I asked her if I could have it one day to give to my own mate.”

“What did she say?”

“She said maybe.” He chuckled, a sound that never failed to send shivers down my spine. “She would have been loathe to let it go. But I think she would have liked to see you wear it. She would have liked you.” 

I didn’t know what to say. I rolled my sleeve back down, covering the bracelet. Then I looked back up at his violet eyes, searching mine for some sort of response. There was only one I could think of: I reached up and pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth. 

“Thank you,” I whispered against his lips. I understood the significance of this gift. It was not merely a mating present. It was an invitation to his life, his history, his deepest vulnerabilities, and the grief and anguish he had been carrying for so long. Carrying _alone_ for so long.

I remembered his words from Under the Mountain: _Everything I love has always had a tendency to be taken from me._

But he still wanted to take that chance. He wanted to share everything he had, everything that he _was_ , his entire being, with me.

Rhys wrapped me in his arms and pulled me into his chest, his head resting on my hair, breathing in deeply. We stood like that for a few minutes, the snow dancing down around us. 

“I want you to fly with me,” he said eventually. 

“Then let’s go,” I replied. 

He was silent for a few heartbeats, but then he asked, “Now?”

“Yes,” I breathed. “Now.” 

For once, he didn’t hesitate to unfurl his horrifically beautiful wings. I stayed close to him, but I lifted my head to get a good look at them. They were exactly as I remembered them, exactly as I had painted them countless times - massive, black, membranous. Powerful. So breathtaking and nightmarish all at once. So very _Rhysand_.

His grip on me tightened as his wings started beating the air and we lifted off the ground. A giddy thrill traveled up and down my body and I giggled as we rose up and up, my arms wrapping around his middle and holding on for dear life. I watched as we drifted farther and farther away from the balcony below, the cold air billowing around us. And then - then I looked up to the stars. 

I was closer to the stars than I ever imagined I could be, and I smiled- 

Until I realized that we were very, very high up and that if Rhysand dropped me - Fae or not - I would splatter on the ground and that would be the end.

My heart pounded within my chest and vomit rose up in my throat. 

I had to get down, _now_ -

“Rhys,” I said, panicked. “Rhys, take me back-”

“Feyre, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” he said in my ear.

“No, I need to get down - we are way too high -” 

My voice was shrill and piercing. I was trying to keep the vomit down. 

Rhys acquiesced, but he didn’t even bother to land. He gathered the shadows around us and teleported us back to the balcony, his wings still jutting out on either side of him. I tore myself away from him and ran back into the Winter Court estate to find the nearest bathroom. I slammed the door behind me and ran to the toilet, immediately emptying my stomach into it. Evidently flying did not agree with me. 

As I puked my guts out, Rhysand appeared behind me and sat down. He didn’t say anything, but he did gently rub my back. It was small comfort to me in that moment, but I appreciated the gesture. 

When I thought there was nothing left to throw up, I rested my head against the cool porcelain bowl and groaned. 

“Out of all the reactions you might have had to flying, I didn’t think it would be this,” he said softly, a smile playing on his lips. 

My heart was finally slowing down and I took a few deep breaths.

“I can’t believe you’re enjoying my suffering,” I grumbled. “And you call yourself my mate.” 

He smoothed away a few stray hairs that had escaped my updo from my clammy forehead. Again, he smiled, but he said nothing. We sat on the bathroom floor for a few silent minutes until Rhys heard footsteps approaching. His head snapped to the door and he stared for a few moments. Then he sighed and disappeared into the shadows. 

As soon as he left, another wave of sickness overcame me and I vomited again. Over my own hurling, I heard Rhysand’s voice right outside the bathroom door. 

“Ah, Tamlin,” he said. “Good thing you’re here. It sounds like your beloved had a bit too much to drink tonight.” 

Tamlin’s growl was unmistakable. 

Rhys chuckled and strolled away. That dull ache in my chest returned as soon as his footsteps faded away into nothing. 

I was still sick when Tamlin composed himself enough to enter the bathroom. He closed the door behind him, knelt down next to me, and waited for me to finish. When I was done and I looked up at him, he was frowning. 

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I thought that was a stupid question, but at least he was concerned. At least he didn’t seem suspicious of Rhys. 

It hit me then that accepting the mating present, kissing Rhys, flying with him, probably wasn’t a series of great ideas. I knew I didn’t want to hurt Tamlin anymore. I didn’t know why I continued to do so anyway, even if he wasn’t aware of it... But when it came to Rhys, it seemed I had less control over myself than ever before.

I shook my head. I was decidedly not okay.

“Let’s get you home then,” Tamlin said. He took my hands in his and helped me off the floor. 

I made it all the way home before I threw up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY. *hands each of you a list of excuses ten miles long*
> 
> (I'll try not to go so long without updating again but, guys. Writing is hard. Thank you for bearing with me!!!)


	18. A Better Present

I sat alone on my bed, trying my damnedest not to _think_. I had had too much to think about recently, and any time an unwelcome thought strayed into my mind, it made me dizzy and weak.

I absentmindedly played with my bracelet - the mating present from Rhys - twisting it this way and that on my wrist. If Tamlin had noticed the bracelet, he never said anything. In fact, he hadn’t said much of anything to me recently - as if he knew I was slipping away.

Alis knocked on my door and entered the room without waiting for an answer. When she saw me sitting on the bed, dressed only in a silk robe, she put her hands on her hips and frowned at me.

“I laid out your clothes for dinner over an hour ago,” she said.

She had. And I had made a valiant effort to try and get dressed, but my tunics had been shrinking for weeks, growing tighter and tighter almost every day. Today the inevitable happened - not a single thing in my closet fit anymore. 

“I’m sorry,” was all I said.

“Do you need help getting dressed?” 

I shook my head. “The clothes don’t fit, Alis.” 

I hadn’t been looking at her, but I snuck a glance to find her pursing her lips. She announced she would be right back, and ten minutes later, she returned with a bundle of new clothes for me. Where she might have gotten them so quickly, I had no idea. I didn’t ask.

I tried to thank her and dismiss her after that, but she insisted on helping me into the new, looser clothes. When I slipped off my robe and stood before her stark naked, her eyes fell to the small bump I’d been watching grow for weeks, desperately hoping that maybe I was just gaining weight. I curled my arms protectively around myself as Alis frowned at me.

It didn’t take a genius to know that I was with child, and that the child was not Tamlin’s. 

“Please don’t tell him,” I said quietly.

“I’m not stupid,” she said with a scoff. “I have no desire to get involved with this.”

I let out a relieved sigh as she helped me into the fresh tunic.

“It’s going to be obvious to everyone soon enough,” she said.

I knew that. I also knew I was putting it off - telling Tamlin. Telling Rhys.

I wondered if Rhys would be happy.

For me, when I finally realized, it hadn’t exactly been a happy moment. It was an explosion of fear and anxiety inside of my chest - not that those feelings were strangers to me. There were lots of tears and no small amount of vomit - but I had had time since to get used to the idea. I still wasn’t exactly happy, between my hesitation to really _be_ with Rhys and my lingering feelings for Tamlin. Once I figured those things out… Then I could be happy about the life growing inside of me. But it was hard to envision the future that laid ahead. 

Raising a child. Raising _Rhys’s_ child. How could I do that, when I’d barely even been able to take care of myself since Under the Mountain?

But I knew what I had to do. I knew what I had to do the moment I figured out I was pregnant. It was just easier said than done. 

“I’ll tell him tonight,” I said to Alis.

_I’ll tell both of them tonight_ , I thought.

*

At various points throughout dinner, I opened my mouth to speak the words, but no sound came out.

Tonight was just Tamlin and I. We had dinner alone every so often - a part of our effort to work things out. I was just realizing how useless that effort was. ( _You should be with your mate_ was a thought that often ran through my head during these dinners.) Tonight, I didn’t know if Lucien’s lack of presence was better or worse.

By the time we started dessert, I lost all resolve. I convinced myself that I had to tell Rhys _before_ I told Tamlin. That felt right, somehow.

After a sufficiently awkward and torturous dinner, Tamlin bid me goodnight with a kiss on the cheek. That was the closest to intimacy we’d been since Calanmai. It made my stomach twist and turn, knowing what I’d have to tell him. Knowing that I was going to hurt him again. But at this point, there was no choice. Maybe there had never really been a choice to begin with. 

I figured, given my current state, climbing down the drainpipe outside my bedroom window probably wasn’t the brightest idea, so I waited until the whole house was asleep to sneak right out the front door. I made a pit stop in the rose garden to pick a single bud off the bushes, and then I steeled myself to face the Night Court.

No matter Rhys’s reaction, this was not going to be an easy thing for me. I was still wrapping my head around it. 

The journey to the Night Court seemed to take a thousand times longer than usual. But eventually I found myself standing at the front door, knocking and waiting. After a few excruciating minutes, Lori opened the door. She beamed when she saw me.

“Feyre!” she squeaked, pulling me into her arms and hugging me just a little too tight. “Cauldron, I’ve missed you!”

I let out a shaky laugh as I pulled myself away. “I missed you, too. Is Rhys here?”

She grinned at me. “He is.”

“Can I see him?”

Her grin grew even wider. “Of course!”

She grabbed my hand and practically dragged me inside - not even bothering to close the front door - and led me through the dark twists and turns of the estate. Finally, she stopped in front of a giant wooden door. She dropped my hand, knocked on the door, and told me to wait outside as she burst into the room.

“Lord Rhysand,” I heard Lori say through the door. “You have a visitor.”

She was trying to keep her voice even and formal, but I could hear her excitement.

“Lori, I told you no visitors after dark.”

Rhysand’s deep voice sent a shiver down my spine. It had been so long - _too long_ \- since I’d heard it. It was like hearing my favorite song again after years of silence.

There was a pause. “It’s always dark here.”

“Exactly.”

“It’s Feyre,” Lori said.

“Send her in, then,” he replied quietly.

Only seconds later, Lori was dragging me into the room. It was an office of sorts, with bookshelves lining the walls, a large fireplace, plenty of armchairs, and a mahogany desk which Rhysand sat behind, watching me with his violet eyes as he sipped at a glass of wine. My heart skipped a few beats, and it wasn’t until I heard the click of the door behind me that I realized Lori had left us alone.

Once her echoing footsteps in the hall faded into silence, Rhys smiled at me.

“Feyre, darling,” he said. “Have you recovered from our little flight yet?”

I probably could have told him that it wasn’t the flying that made me sick that night. But I didn’t. Instead, I took a deep breath, walked up to the desk, and held out the rosebud to him.

He cocked an eyebrow at me.

“It’s a mating present,” I said with a shrug.

Rhys took it with his free hand, chuckling softly. “My mating present is a rose from your fiance’s garden?”

That word - _fiance_. Well, Tamlin wouldn’t be that for much longer. Not after tonight. Not after this. 

The thought itself didn’t hurt as much as I feared. Rather, it hurt that it would hurt me so little and him so much.

I plopped down into a chair directly in front of Rhys’s desk and shrugged again. 

“Better than nothing,” I said.

“Indeed,” Rhys said. “So to what do I owe this pleasure?”

Just like at dinner with Tamlin, I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. It was such a hard thing to admit, to say…

I never imagined that these were words I would one day have to say to someone. 

So instead, I said, “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.” His voice was soft, and though it was a genuine statement, Rhys sounded almost… cautious. 

I couldn’t exactly blame him. I’d made a habit of leading him on, even if I hadn’t meant to. 

“Rhys…”

He held out his wine glass to me. “Would you like some?”

I shook my head. He raised the glass to his beautiful lips and drank deeply.

This - strangely enough - felt like the perfect moment to tell him. When his violet eyes weren’t holding me in their grip, when he was quiet and distracted by his drink… 

“Rhys, I’m pregnant,” I blurted out.

He choked on his wine.

I didn’t expect that - cool and collected Rhysand, High Lord of the Night Court, choking on his wine. I laughed nervously as he slammed his glass down on the desk and coughed a few times. 

Finally, he sat straight up and met my eyes. He wore no discernible expression.

“Pregnant,” he repeated.

“Yes. Like with a baby?” 

He slowly loosed a breath. “And is the child…”

I didn’t need to have his powers to know what he was asking. 

“Yours,” I said.

“Are you sure?

“I’m sure.”

Then, in a flash, he was standing in front of me, grabbing my hands and pulling me up from my chair. He had the biggest, most beautiful smile on his face, and I couldn’t help returning his grin. My eyes teared up as he cupped either side of my face and started kissing me everywhere - my lips, my nose, my cheeks, my eyelids, my forehead. He was laughing and happy and so, so beautiful. 

His joy was infectious, and my heart burst with love - for Rhys. For our baby.

He must have been feeling that same burst, because he kissed my lips once more and said, “I love you, Feyre.”

The words spilled out of me without a second thought. That’s how I knew I meant them, with my whole, stupid, human heart.

“I love you, too,” I whispered.

He leaned his forehead against mine as his hands found their way to my small bump. He gently rubbed my stomach, smiling softly, and for a while, we just held each other’s gaze. Suddenly it wasn’t so hard to imagine a future with Rhys - a future that involved staying at the Night Court and having children and just _being with him._

“This is a better mating present,” he murmured eventually.

“I aim to please.” And I pressed a kiss to his lips.

“Does this mean you’ll stay?” he asked, pulling away from my mouth. “Because I can’t stand the thought of-”

“I’m here,” I said. “I’m finally here.”

That’s all I needed to say, apparently, because he smiled again. He wrapped his arms around me and I wrapped my arms around him and we just held each other. Both of us happy, for once.

I didn’t think it would be like this. I didn’t think it could make me so happy, didn’t think it could feel so _right_. Like every decision I had made in my life, good or bad, led to _this moment_ of pure bliss.

“Does Tamlin know?” Rhys asked.

I sighed into his chest. “No. I thought you should know first. I have to go back and tell him everything.”

“Okay. But before you go-”

I groaned as shadows formed at our feet. I may have been in delicate condition, but I could still walk. He ignored my groaning and in mere seconds, we were standing in Rhys’s bedroom.

He held me close. Crushed his lips to mine. Picked me up. And carried me to the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE YOU GO!
> 
> Sorry I didn't respond to all of the comments on the last chapter - but damn, y'all love to shout spoilers. (Guess it's my fault for making it so obvious though! ;] ) 
> 
> Anyway, this should be wrapping up soon... Thank God we're so close to ACOMAF! :D


	19. The Inevitable

Rhys convinced me to stay the night. Truth be told, it didn’t take much persuading. I was happy in the arms of my mate, and I was dreading the inevitable moment I would have to face Tamlin and tell him every single truth I’d been hiding for months.

But I couldn’t avoid it forever.

When I woke up, it was to Rhys’s violet eyes staring down at me, a small smile playing on his lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and forced him down to my level so I could kiss him. It was soft and slow, and it made my heart flutter. When I pulled away, he reached for my lips again, but I turned my head.

“I better not wake up to you staring at me every morning,” I said. “It’s unsettling.”

He trailed his lips along my jaw and muttered, “You should be flattered.”

“Or sufficiently creeped out.”

“Shouldn’t you be nicer to me, considering I’m the father of your child?”

I ran my hands through his soft hair as he worked his way down my neck.

“Why start now?” I said.

He bit down on my skin and I had to stifle a moan. 

“Good morning, by the way.”

“Good morning,” I said with a laugh.

He kissed down my torso until he reached my belly, and then he spent an extraordinary amount of time kissing that, too. Smiling. I’d never seen Rhys smile so much. And then it hit me that I would get to see his dazzling grin every day for the rest of my immortal life, and that made me smile, too. 

“Are you hungry?” he asked, pausing his kissing to look up at me.

“Starving,” I said. “But I should really-”

He didn’t even let me finish before he rolled off the bed in one graceful, fluid motion, threw on some clothes, and left to find me food. I was left alone to consider what I might say to Tamlin when the time came. There was no better word to describe what I felt than “dread.” Pure dread. I didn’t know what I was going to say, and I certainly didn’t know how he might react to all this.

But I pushed those thoughts away when Rhys returned with a breakfast tray in hand only 15 minutes later. There was an inordinate amount of food on the tray, but my stomach growled loudly and my mouth watered at the sight of it, and I knew with absolute certainty that I was going to devour every single scrap.

We sat on the bed and ate breakfast together. It was something I could get used to.

“I’m coming with you,” Rhys said out of the blue.

“To the Spring Court? Absolutely not.”

“I’m coming.”

“Your presence is not going to help things, Rhys.”

“My _presence_ will stop Tamlin from doing anything stupid,” he said.

I frowned. “You think he’s going to hurt me?”

“I think he has a hard time controlling his inner beast.”

“And I think you being there is going to make everything worse.”

Rhys stared at me for a few moments. “I’ll wait outside.” 

I had a feeling Rhys was going to come whether I consented or not, so I just sighed and finished my breakfast. Then I changed into the clothes Alis had given me the day before, and Rhys and I left for the Spring Court.

As we stepped into the land of perpetual spring, I thought about how this could possibly be my last time here - so I savored the feeling of the warm spring sun on my skin, the smell of a thousand different flowers intermingling in the cool breeze, the greenest grass I could ever imagine, and the most vibrant blooms on trees that seemed to grow straight into the azure sky. I would miss the beauty of this place, but my days would instead be filled with the stars and mountains that often invaded my thoughts and dreams. It wasn't going to be as hard to let go of the Spring Court as I originally imagined. 

However, it did feel strange to be walking up the path to the estate, hand in hand with Rhys.

I left him just outside the door, but before I went in, he squeezed my hand and gave my forehead a sweet kiss. Those small gestures gave me the courage I needed to propel my feet forward.

As soon as the door shut behind me, I found myself face to face with Lucien. I froze, and for a few seconds, we just stared at each other.

“Break the news gently, will you?” he said.

So he had already guessed. I opened my mouth to reply, then promptly shut it. I had no words.

Lucien shrugged and continued, “I get it, Feyre. I understand.”

I blinked at him. “So you don’t hate me for… for all of this? For hurting him?”

“You can’t chose your mate.”

“How do you know?”

Lucien smirked at me. “I’m exceptionally observant.”

“Lucien.”

“As emissary, I have contacts all over Prythian,” he said. “Let’s just say a little birdie told me.”

“Or a little summer court faerie?” I asked, because Lori was the only person I had told, and I doubted Rhysand told a single soul.

Lucien’s smirk was answer enough.

“Well. Thank you,” I said.

“It’s a shame, though,” he said. “I was just starting to tolerate your presence.”

I grinned and shoved him out of the way, cursing playfully over my shoulder. At least Lucien didn’t hate me. That was one less thing to worry about. 

I figured I might find Tamlin in his bedroom, so that was the first place I checked. And I was right - the High Lord of the Spring Court was perched on the edge of his bed, as if waiting, as if he expected me. Our eyes locked as I entered, and an ache went through me, starting in the pit of my stomach and spreading its way all the way up into my throat. I knew this was going to be difficult, but I also knew it had to be done. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it.

“We need to talk,” I said softly.

“Yes, we do,” he said, equally as soft. “What is Rhysand doing here?”

I forgot Tamlin would be able to sense him. I bit my lower lip.

“He insisted.”

Tamlin didn’t say anything; he just studied me - with those green eyes flecked with amber. I thought his eyes were the most beautiful I’d ever seen - until I met Rhysand.

I took a deep breath to steel myself for the conversation to come, and then I sat on the bed next to Tamlin. Still, there was plenty of space in between us. Neither of us spoke for a long while. In the silence, I took his engagement ring off my finger. I grabbed Tamlin’s hand and placed the ring in his palm, curling his fingers gently around it. He didn’t even seem surprised. A flash of pain crossed his face, but it was quickly replaced by grim resignation. 

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Me, too,” he said.

“But you should know -” I took another deep breath. “You should know that you will always have a place in my heart. But Rhys… He’s my mate.”

Tamlin's eyes widened. “Your _mate_? He’s actually your mate?”

I nodded.

“Wow.” He ran a hand through his silky blond hair. “I - wasn’t expecting that.”

“Me either.”

“When?” he asked. “When did you feel the bond?”

I wasn’t sure if that mattered, but it didn’t hurt to answer.

“I - well, he felt it Under the Mountain, apparently. But for me, it wasn’t until Fire Night.”

“When you slept with him.”

“Yes.”

To my great surprise, Tamlin chuckled softly.

“And you’ve resisted the mating bond since. How is that even possible?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“What changed your mind?” he asked.

I bit down on my lip again. “I’m pregnant.”

There was a long silence in which neither of us looked at each other. Finally he said, “Oh.”

“I never meant for any of this to happen. I hope you know that, Tam,” I said.

He shook his head. “This is all my fault.”

I stared at him, incredulous. Though I supposed I should have been thankful there was no sign of the beast lurking beneath his flawless Fae skin. Even his claws were retracted, nowhere in sight.

“How did you come to that conclusion?” I asked once I found my voice again.

He shook his head once more. “If I had never sent you away - if we had broken that damn curse before she took us all Under the Mountain…” 

I couldn’t help feeling - now that the bond had snapped into place, now that I was carrying Rhysand’s child - that this outcome had been inevitable. 

Somehow, some way, I would have found myself in the exact same place.

I was finally starting to believe in something like Fate. 

So I decided not to go down that road - the road where we discussed what might have been rather than what _was_. 

“How are you so calm?” I asked him.

“I think,” Tamlin said slowly, “that I’ve known for a while that I was losing you. Deep, deep down.”

Another inevitable, looking back.

I had died for him, for our love, but after that, I wasn’t able to live for him. I was nothing more than a ghost, all those months in the Sprint Court before Rhys collected on our deal - a ghost haunted by her own ghosts, more than she could count. He had moved on, and I hadn’t. I was stuck Under the Mountain all that time.

Tamlin hadn’t been able to heal me. I had needed to heal myself, with nudging in the right direction from Rhys.

And I was still healing - but now I had a mate who understood me, and a life to care for besides my own, one that might make up for the lives I had taken. A life that told me, maybe, just maybe, I could be forgiven.

I reached out and and squeezed Tamlin’s hand.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “For everything.”


	20. Epilogue

"Rhys.”

He looked up at me with a lifted brow.

“Can I hold my child please?” I asked.

He smiled at me and then returned his attention back to the small bundle in his arms. It was only a few hours since the delivery, and I was exhausted, but ever since the servants had left us alone, Rhys had been monopolizing the baby. I didn’t mind at first - I’d been able to hold him for a while. Kiss him. Feed him. All while Rhys watched on with a heart-achingly beautiful smile. He’d teared up when I finally handed him our son, but neither of us could have been happier.

“In a bit, love.”

“Is this going to be the rest of my life? Me begging you to hold my own child?”

Rhys chuckled softly. “ _Our_ child. And if it’s any consolation, you’re his favorite so far.”

I stared at him. “Are you reading his mind already?”

“Just his feelings.”

“Rhysand, give me my child right now,” I demanded.

He grinned, then said to the baby, “It’s okay, little one. You’ll like me better when I teach you to use your powers.”

But finally Rhys relented. He stood very carefully, walked to the bed, and transferred my son into my arms.

He was a beautiful little boy. He looked almost exactly like Rhys - a thick head of soft black hair, skin that glowed like moonlight, the same nose and lips, and, of course, the pointed Fae ears. The one thing he had not inherited from his father were the eyes. When I looked down at him, my own cool gaze stared up at me and my heart swelled.

I didn’t think there could be any better feeling than this: my mate at my side and our child in my arms.

And I was just starting to think that maybe, _maybe_ , I deserved this - a sliver of joy and beauty, carved out of my suffering, my sacrifices, my nightmares.

Every thing, every single thing that had ever happened to me, had led up to this point. It was like all my life there had been a string wrapped around my middle, pulling me ever closer. And something like this would have been beyond my wildest imagination, but now I was thankful for every damned second that I had had to spend waiting for my final destination. 

It was all worth it, especially when Rhys leaned down to kiss my forehead, and then our son’s as well.

“I love you,” I said.

The baby closed his eyes and gently drifted off into sleep.

“I love you, too,” he said.

I beamed up at Rhys, my mate, my everything, and I just thought:

_Finally._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE WE ARE FRIENDS! AT THE END OF THIS FIC! 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING AND COMMENTING AND BEING WONDERFUL AND PATIENT. I wish I could give each and every one of you cookies and hugs. I love you guys, for real! :D
> 
> ... All that being said, feel free to come talk to me about ACOMAF once you've read it!


End file.
